Chapter 26

It's December.

My mother is looking at apartments, mostly three bedrooms but also two bedrooms, if she's desperate enough. She really wants to divorce my dad and I'm not sure if I'm happy about it or not. Like I want her to be happy, but we'd literally have no money left. Dad would have to buy everything for us and I would actually have to use my work money to buy myself clothes and such.

The apartment she found has two bedroom, two bathrooms, and allows two animals. We would bring Lucy and Mila. Maxx would stay with Dad wherever he would end up. It's also walking distance to all of my friend's houses basically, which is always nice. That would make it a lot easier to actually see my friends.

Last night, I talked about the apartment and the divorce in support group at Treehouse. It's kind of a big thing for me because I've only talked at Treehouse once, and the last time I did, it was over something completely stupid. Okay, not completely, but it wasn't important enough.

This however, was important. Everyone there could relate to either the divorce or Diane's death, which is what I talked about. I took up the whole time, sparing a few minutes for Garrett. But I think everyone knew that when I open up about things, it's usually serious. As I was getting support, I felt myself growing closer to everyone in that room. Including Taylor, Garrett, David, Nick, Maria, and Leticia. I haven't really talked to any of them except for Garrett and Nick. Like I've talked to David but not a lot, and I haven't gotten real with him.

The support I got helped me I think, I'm not sure. I just know I feel better having talked about it to anyone besides my mother. Lizzy doesn't even know.

Me and James are over, we're barely friends and I'm alright with it I guess. It's been about a week since it's all happened so I'm basically over it. As long as he's happy. And I can always find someone else, I think I'm somewhat attractive, but I'm not sure anymore.

I know that Tyler likes me, and that I'm kind of taking advantage of him. At the Halloween party, I was lonely and basically I was cuddling with him. When he asked me out on a date, I said yes, because I didn't know what else to say. He gave me his sweatshirt, because I was cold, and wrapped his arms around me. It really felt nice, I think.

Last Tuesday (Nov. 24) he went to Treehouse and for a while he was holding my hand then rubbing my back when we hugged and shit and I don't know if I like him or the attention he was giving me. It's been a little while since I've felt that kind of warmth from another person.

Right now, I don't even know if I want a relationship. I want what Bekah and Nick have. Oh by the way, they've had sex like four times now. Yep, my two best friends are having sex with each other and here I am all by myself, unfortunately. I want someone to love me the way Nick loves Bekah. I want the long hugs and spontaneous kisses. I want the trust you have to have to lose your virginity to them. They have that and I don't and it really sucks.

Anyways, I hung out with Hannah on Monday after my dentist appointment. We walked to Coopers and got Oreos, Peace Tea, and whipped cream. When we got back we watched Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List which was surprisingly a good movie, despite the fact it's totally stereotypical.

I can't believe I'm going back to this again but my life is starting to feel like The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I think it's because I actually have friends this year and there's actually drama and things happening and I'm actually getting close to people again. It feels really nice. I've missed having more than one friend to text and talk to on a daily basis.

The similarities of my life with Perks is making me want to watch the movie, really badly. I need to watch it soon, like maybe this weekend. I was supposed to watch it on Saturday with Tyler but something happened.

Friday night, I got really upset with my sister and I ended up running away basically. All I took was my phone, headphones, and my pennyboard. I left at 12:30 AM and only Matthew came to look for me, until I made him go back inside. With nowhere else to go, I went to Lizzy's house because I definitely didn't want to go home.

When I got back the next morning I got grounded and never ended up going to Tyler's, which he understood but I'm kind of disappointed. Hopefully we can do it this weekend but both of our schedules don't overlap very well and it takes effort from both sides.

This post is long enough, I'll end it here.

Love always,

Maddy

Chapter 22

I'm finally back onto my old writing schedule! Anyways, lets get right in because I still have psych homework to do and to take a shower and it's nearing 10 PM.

Needless to say, I am incredibly stressed out. Yesterday I was out and running around all day, going to target and Makenna's therapy appointment. We even stopped at Potbelly where I had the best sandwich I've ever had in my entire life. I'm going to list the order so I can remember it for future Potbelly visits.

Multigrain bread, turkey, swiss, mayo, lettuce, avocado.

So simple, but so beautiful.

Also, I'm going to admit something that happened the other night. I relapsed back into cutting and now my wrist is covered in scars, but I can (hopefully) cover it up with bracelets for work tomorrow. It's also on my thigh but no one can see those anyways. I was just feeling so terrible and stressed and depressed and it's been quite a while since I've felt that bad. Usually it just comes and goes and I'm fine but now I'm really craving a cigarette.

While I was on the bus a few days ago, I noticed David. Like sure, I've noticed him before but I've never really noticed him. Despite that fact that I know it will never happen, I've developed a teeny tiny crush on him. Even if he did like me, I would never date him. He deserves so much better.

Today I went to Treehouse, where Tyler hugged me 50 million times and basically acted like we were dating. To be honest, I kind of wish that we were but I want to lose weight before then so I can actually feel comfortable around him.

I hate my body. I'm way too big and my stomach and legs are hideous. I've never liked them, but that doesn't make a difference. I want to like them. I want my stomach to be somewhat flat, so that I don't have to hide it in large t-shirts and I can walk around in only a tank top. Or for my legs to be smaller so I can wear shorts and thigh-high socks without them looking terribly weird.

I would give anything to feel comfortable in my own skin.

Love always,

Maddy