It's December.
My mother is looking at apartments, mostly three bedrooms but also two bedrooms, if she's desperate enough. She really wants to divorce my dad and I'm not sure if I'm happy about it or not. Like I want her to be happy, but we'd literally have no money left. Dad would have to buy everything for us and I would actually have to use my work money to buy myself clothes and such.
The apartment she found has two bedroom, two bathrooms, and allows two animals. We would bring Lucy and Mila. Maxx would stay with Dad wherever he would end up. It's also walking distance to all of my friend's houses basically, which is always nice. That would make it a lot easier to actually see my friends.
Last night, I talked about the apartment and the divorce in support group at Treehouse. It's kind of a big thing for me because I've only talked at Treehouse once, and the last time I did, it was over something completely stupid. Okay, not completely, but it wasn't important enough.
This however, was important. Everyone there could relate to either the divorce or Diane's death, which is what I talked about. I took up the whole time, sparing a few minutes for Garrett. But I think everyone knew that when I open up about things, it's usually serious. As I was getting support, I felt myself growing closer to everyone in that room. Including Taylor, Garrett, David, Nick, Maria, and Leticia. I haven't really talked to any of them except for Garrett and Nick. Like I've talked to David but not a lot, and I haven't gotten real with him.
The support I got helped me I think, I'm not sure. I just know I feel better having talked about it to anyone besides my mother. Lizzy doesn't even know.
Me and James are over, we're barely friends and I'm alright with it I guess. It's been about a week since it's all happened so I'm basically over it. As long as he's happy. And I can always find someone else, I think I'm somewhat attractive, but I'm not sure anymore.
I know that Tyler likes me, and that I'm kind of taking advantage of him. At the Halloween party, I was lonely and basically I was cuddling with him. When he asked me out on a date, I said yes, because I didn't know what else to say. He gave me his sweatshirt, because I was cold, and wrapped his arms around me. It really felt nice, I think.
Last Tuesday (Nov. 24) he went to Treehouse and for a while he was holding my hand then rubbing my back when we hugged and shit and I don't know if I like him or the attention he was giving me. It's been a little while since I've felt that kind of warmth from another person.
Right now, I don't even know if I want a relationship. I want what Bekah and Nick have. Oh by the way, they've had sex like four times now. Yep, my two best friends are having sex with each other and here I am all by myself, unfortunately. I want someone to love me the way Nick loves Bekah. I want the long hugs and spontaneous kisses. I want the trust you have to have to lose your virginity to them. They have that and I don't and it really sucks.
Anyways, I hung out with Hannah on Monday after my dentist appointment. We walked to Coopers and got Oreos, Peace Tea, and whipped cream. When we got back we watched Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List which was surprisingly a good movie, despite the fact it's totally stereotypical.
I can't believe I'm going back to this again but my life is starting to feel like The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I think it's because I actually have friends this year and there's actually drama and things happening and I'm actually getting close to people again. It feels really nice. I've missed having more than one friend to text and talk to on a daily basis.
The similarities of my life with Perks is making me want to watch the movie, really badly. I need to watch it soon, like maybe this weekend. I was supposed to watch it on Saturday with Tyler but something happened.
Friday night, I got really upset with my sister and I ended up running away basically. All I took was my phone, headphones, and my pennyboard. I left at 12:30 AM and only Matthew came to look for me, until I made him go back inside. With nowhere else to go, I went to Lizzy's house because I definitely didn't want to go home.
When I got back the next morning I got grounded and never ended up going to Tyler's, which he understood but I'm kind of disappointed. Hopefully we can do it this weekend but both of our schedules don't overlap very well and it takes effort from both sides.
This post is long enough, I'll end it here.
Love always,
Maddy
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Chapter 25
Diane died. October 10, 2015 at 2:50 pm her heart stopped beating. I was told before I had gone to work that Saturday and throughout the rest of the day, I just felt numb. It still doesn't feel like she's gone. I was going to see how much and how well I slept that night but I didn't find any data so I think I slept in my moms bed.
The funeral was Oct. 15th. I had a behind the wheel right before that so I was rushing to the funeral. There was so many fucking people which was another reminder that she was too young. Of course, I was introduced to so many people and all of them felt bad for me and tried to make up for it by calling me pretty.
I had to sneak off to calm myself down about 20 times but I only cried half the time. The speeches were the worst because it made you remember Diane; I couldn't push it away anymore.
After the funeral, we went out for dinner since we were all hungry and we needed some time to cool down. I got hot chocolate and a caesar salad. Weird mixture but both were great.
The funeral was Oct. 15th. I had a behind the wheel right before that so I was rushing to the funeral. There was so many fucking people which was another reminder that she was too young. Of course, I was introduced to so many people and all of them felt bad for me and tried to make up for it by calling me pretty.
I had to sneak off to calm myself down about 20 times but I only cried half the time. The speeches were the worst because it made you remember Diane; I couldn't push it away anymore.
After the funeral, we went out for dinner since we were all hungry and we needed some time to cool down. I got hot chocolate and a caesar salad. Weird mixture but both were great.
Anyways, it's been a really hard time for me and the rest of my family. Losing someone close to you is possibly the hardest thing anyone will have to go through. I don't wish this feeling upon anyone. We got to say goodbye but not to her conscious self. We said goodbye to the body in the hospital bed, connected to a million tubes and wires all at once.
It's been so hard to keep up with homework when filled with feelings of despair. I don't want to end up in the same place I was last year, but it's been so hard. I keep David's words in my head to keep trying and what I think is trying isn't all that I'm capable of. If I miss one assignment, I just keep missing more and more.
Tomorrow is my 16th birthday. Because of my childhood dreams, I feel like it's a bit of a disappointment. I've always dreamed of this huge party with a DJ and at a sick club with a thousand people. I have way more friends than I used to but I don't think a lot of them would go to a party, and I don't think I want them to go anyways.
Love always,
Maddy Iverson
Monday, October 5, 2015
Chapter 24
Last week on Wednesday, my aunt went into cardiac arrest. This was a shock because a) she had doctors checking up on her a lot more and b) no one was expecting it, she's healthy. Luckily, she was already at the hospital because of her chemo and an ER doctor was passing by. My cousin says he was a guardian angel.
Two doctors were performing CPR on her for 45 minutes, which I later found out was a long time. Doctors usually stopped around 20 minutes. But for some reason, they kept going. It was for the best. They got her alive and to the ER, hooked up to a million machines and put her into a coma to keep her alive and stable.
There was so much hope for her because she was doing so well. They found some blood clots in her lungs, so they gave her some kind of medicine to break it down and make the blood run thinner. It did that to an extent. The medicine made about three blood clots go to her brain. Now there's a huge one in her frontal lobe and about half of her frontal lobe is liquid.
Even if she did wake up, she wouldn't be able to eat or do other simple tasks. She wouldn't be happy. So they took her off the medicine that's keeping her in the coma and everyone's waiting to see if she wakes up or if she dies.
We're already talking about her in past tense, as if she was dead. But she basically is. My mom went to her house looking for her will, which she didn't find, and anything else that would have been useful for the doctors and figuring out who gets what. Mom also found her diary, which held one entry. It was the day that we shaved her head, and it was a tragic day. She was a beautiful writer, though. The type of writer I hope that I turn out like.
Diane is basically dead. When we went to the hospital on Thursday, she had so many machines hooked up to her and she was only 33 degrees Celsius. I held her hand and tried not to cry while everyone else was talking about where she was at heath wise. It was just so hard to have to witness something like that. Death. It's everywhere. You can't hide from it. Nobody should have to go through it and I wish I could hide it from my kids, but I couldn't do it.
Anyways, I think that's it. I'm way too sad to talk about anything else and I just want to escape reality by playing Sims.
Love always,
Maddy
Two doctors were performing CPR on her for 45 minutes, which I later found out was a long time. Doctors usually stopped around 20 minutes. But for some reason, they kept going. It was for the best. They got her alive and to the ER, hooked up to a million machines and put her into a coma to keep her alive and stable.
There was so much hope for her because she was doing so well. They found some blood clots in her lungs, so they gave her some kind of medicine to break it down and make the blood run thinner. It did that to an extent. The medicine made about three blood clots go to her brain. Now there's a huge one in her frontal lobe and about half of her frontal lobe is liquid.
Even if she did wake up, she wouldn't be able to eat or do other simple tasks. She wouldn't be happy. So they took her off the medicine that's keeping her in the coma and everyone's waiting to see if she wakes up or if she dies.
We're already talking about her in past tense, as if she was dead. But she basically is. My mom went to her house looking for her will, which she didn't find, and anything else that would have been useful for the doctors and figuring out who gets what. Mom also found her diary, which held one entry. It was the day that we shaved her head, and it was a tragic day. She was a beautiful writer, though. The type of writer I hope that I turn out like.
Diane is basically dead. When we went to the hospital on Thursday, she had so many machines hooked up to her and she was only 33 degrees Celsius. I held her hand and tried not to cry while everyone else was talking about where she was at heath wise. It was just so hard to have to witness something like that. Death. It's everywhere. You can't hide from it. Nobody should have to go through it and I wish I could hide it from my kids, but I couldn't do it.
Anyways, I think that's it. I'm way too sad to talk about anything else and I just want to escape reality by playing Sims.
Love always,
Maddy
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Chapter 23
Words cannot describe how stressed I am. School has been so much homework. I'm trying my best with it, I really am, but it's so hard when all I'm used to is giving up. My grades are good though, I have two A's and a B but that's because there's barely any assignments in and teachers haven't done anything with the grade book.
I'm going to the doctor pretty soon here because I have to get my prescription dosage higher because it's not working as well as I want it to. I would give anything to not have depression and anxiety but that's not exactly something you can change. So, I'm taking pills for it in hope that they work.
Today is Tuesday, and my parents are leaving on Friday morning for Hawaii.
I left this post all week because I was crazy busy. It was a mix of work and preparing for them to leave. My dad made a mistake and left most of the shopping to Thursday night, making it even more stressful.
On Friday, James asked me to homecoming. The whole thing is still confusing to me, because of the way he did it. We were in Chemistry and I was talking to Lilly about the test we just took, no big deal. He was whisper-shouting at me from across the room and I ignored it but then I looked over and he was holding up a stuffed duck and a piece of paper. I couldn't read it because it was written in pencil so I just gave him a thumbs up since I thought it was about the duck.
James and his football friends starting cheering and whatnot and I get slightly confused. He comes up and asks me if I read the paper and whatever, I still can't remember what we said. But the paper said "HC?" on it. Yup. I said I was busy and stuff and then he somehow convinces me to say yes as we walk out of the classroom. THEN he like holds my hand and half hugs me (confusing, I know) and then walks away.
Later, Abbey asked him if he was taking his girlfriend to homecoming/if he was being serious earlier, he said no to the latter. He was being so serious earlier, and then he says that it was a joke. Maybe he said that because he didn't want Abbey to know, or he thought I didn't want Abbey to know. But part of me was disappointed he said no.
On Friday, I also mentioned where I worked, because Miller was sitting next to me. James said he was going to go in and say hi. Mostly, when people say that then they never do. But yesterday as I was working on drive, he came in. He said nothing about the homecoming thing but he was giving me a look.
Even if I wanted to go with him, I couldn't. Lizzy likes him and it's totally breaking the girl code. When I told her about it then she was totally jealous. I really want to say yes though. James is so cute and he's a football player and he's so nice and my heart is exploding. Most guys don't like me for who I actually am but he does.
Anyways, away from James... I went to an all night blitz with Treehouse on Friday night. It was fun, to say the least. I had a really good talk with Garret, hung out with Emily and Bekah for a long time. Actually talked to Gunnar in person for once, that was great. He remembered me from Facebook. This brought out two more guys that liked me for who I actually am. So far the list goes James, Garrett, Tyler, and Gunnar. Way more than it used to be.
Me and Bekah fell asleep while watching some movie and almost missed the bus home. That trip brought everyone closer and I'm so thankful for it. I can't wait for the one next year!
Me and Bekah snuck into the toddlers area at Grand Slam which was gated off, and it was the most fun I had in a long time. I felt like I belong with them, and that they were the friends I've wanted for so long.
I think that's it for now, so I'll continue watching How To Get Away With Murder while drinking pumpkin spice hot chocolate.
Love always,
Maddy
I'm going to the doctor pretty soon here because I have to get my prescription dosage higher because it's not working as well as I want it to. I would give anything to not have depression and anxiety but that's not exactly something you can change. So, I'm taking pills for it in hope that they work.
Today is Tuesday, and my parents are leaving on Friday morning for Hawaii.
I left this post all week because I was crazy busy. It was a mix of work and preparing for them to leave. My dad made a mistake and left most of the shopping to Thursday night, making it even more stressful.
On Friday, James asked me to homecoming. The whole thing is still confusing to me, because of the way he did it. We were in Chemistry and I was talking to Lilly about the test we just took, no big deal. He was whisper-shouting at me from across the room and I ignored it but then I looked over and he was holding up a stuffed duck and a piece of paper. I couldn't read it because it was written in pencil so I just gave him a thumbs up since I thought it was about the duck.
James and his football friends starting cheering and whatnot and I get slightly confused. He comes up and asks me if I read the paper and whatever, I still can't remember what we said. But the paper said "HC?" on it. Yup. I said I was busy and stuff and then he somehow convinces me to say yes as we walk out of the classroom. THEN he like holds my hand and half hugs me (confusing, I know) and then walks away.
Later, Abbey asked him if he was taking his girlfriend to homecoming/if he was being serious earlier, he said no to the latter. He was being so serious earlier, and then he says that it was a joke. Maybe he said that because he didn't want Abbey to know, or he thought I didn't want Abbey to know. But part of me was disappointed he said no.
On Friday, I also mentioned where I worked, because Miller was sitting next to me. James said he was going to go in and say hi. Mostly, when people say that then they never do. But yesterday as I was working on drive, he came in. He said nothing about the homecoming thing but he was giving me a look.
Even if I wanted to go with him, I couldn't. Lizzy likes him and it's totally breaking the girl code. When I told her about it then she was totally jealous. I really want to say yes though. James is so cute and he's a football player and he's so nice and my heart is exploding. Most guys don't like me for who I actually am but he does.
Anyways, away from James... I went to an all night blitz with Treehouse on Friday night. It was fun, to say the least. I had a really good talk with Garret, hung out with Emily and Bekah for a long time. Actually talked to Gunnar in person for once, that was great. He remembered me from Facebook. This brought out two more guys that liked me for who I actually am. So far the list goes James, Garrett, Tyler, and Gunnar. Way more than it used to be.
Me and Bekah fell asleep while watching some movie and almost missed the bus home. That trip brought everyone closer and I'm so thankful for it. I can't wait for the one next year!
Me and Bekah snuck into the toddlers area at Grand Slam which was gated off, and it was the most fun I had in a long time. I felt like I belong with them, and that they were the friends I've wanted for so long.
I think that's it for now, so I'll continue watching How To Get Away With Murder while drinking pumpkin spice hot chocolate.
Love always,
Maddy
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Chapter 22
I'm finally back onto my old writing schedule! Anyways, lets get right in because I still have psych homework to do and to take a shower and it's nearing 10 PM.
Needless to say, I am incredibly stressed out. Yesterday I was out and running around all day, going to target and Makenna's therapy appointment. We even stopped at Potbelly where I had the best sandwich I've ever had in my entire life. I'm going to list the order so I can remember it for future Potbelly visits.
Multigrain bread, turkey, swiss, mayo, lettuce, avocado.
So simple, but so beautiful.
Also, I'm going to admit something that happened the other night. I relapsed back into cutting and now my wrist is covered in scars, but I can (hopefully) cover it up with bracelets for work tomorrow. It's also on my thigh but no one can see those anyways. I was just feeling so terrible and stressed and depressed and it's been quite a while since I've felt that bad. Usually it just comes and goes and I'm fine but now I'm really craving a cigarette.
While I was on the bus a few days ago, I noticed David. Like sure, I've noticed him before but I've never really noticed him. Despite that fact that I know it will never happen, I've developed a teeny tiny crush on him. Even if he did like me, I would never date him. He deserves so much better.
Today I went to Treehouse, where Tyler hugged me 50 million times and basically acted like we were dating. To be honest, I kind of wish that we were but I want to lose weight before then so I can actually feel comfortable around him.
I hate my body. I'm way too big and my stomach and legs are hideous. I've never liked them, but that doesn't make a difference. I want to like them. I want my stomach to be somewhat flat, so that I don't have to hide it in large t-shirts and I can walk around in only a tank top. Or for my legs to be smaller so I can wear shorts and thigh-high socks without them looking terribly weird.
I would give anything to feel comfortable in my own skin.
Love always,
Maddy
Needless to say, I am incredibly stressed out. Yesterday I was out and running around all day, going to target and Makenna's therapy appointment. We even stopped at Potbelly where I had the best sandwich I've ever had in my entire life. I'm going to list the order so I can remember it for future Potbelly visits.
Multigrain bread, turkey, swiss, mayo, lettuce, avocado.
So simple, but so beautiful.
Also, I'm going to admit something that happened the other night. I relapsed back into cutting and now my wrist is covered in scars, but I can (hopefully) cover it up with bracelets for work tomorrow. It's also on my thigh but no one can see those anyways. I was just feeling so terrible and stressed and depressed and it's been quite a while since I've felt that bad. Usually it just comes and goes and I'm fine but now I'm really craving a cigarette.
While I was on the bus a few days ago, I noticed David. Like sure, I've noticed him before but I've never really noticed him. Despite that fact that I know it will never happen, I've developed a teeny tiny crush on him. Even if he did like me, I would never date him. He deserves so much better.
Today I went to Treehouse, where Tyler hugged me 50 million times and basically acted like we were dating. To be honest, I kind of wish that we were but I want to lose weight before then so I can actually feel comfortable around him.
I hate my body. I'm way too big and my stomach and legs are hideous. I've never liked them, but that doesn't make a difference. I want to like them. I want my stomach to be somewhat flat, so that I don't have to hide it in large t-shirts and I can walk around in only a tank top. Or for my legs to be smaller so I can wear shorts and thigh-high socks without them looking terribly weird.
I would give anything to feel comfortable in my own skin.
Love always,
Maddy
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Chapter 21
Wow, it's been over a year. Really sorry about that, but a lot of stuff was happening and I just completely forgot about this blog until now.
So now I'm going to (try to) start this back up again because, wow, I had a lot of fun reading back on it. However, it was slightly depressing. I had a dream and since then, that dream has died. I've given up on singing, I've realized that I will not move to London and live the life of someone in a book because lets be honest, my life is far from a book.
I'm at the start of my sophomore year of high school and freshman year really changed me.
When I got to high school, I was a prep. I had given up on the punk rock dreams of mine and focused on being a YouTube beauty guru (even though I never had a channel). I packed lunches for myself, tried to be healthy, dressed nicely, and tried to make a lot of friends.
It worked for a while, and then I saw Devon, who was your typical emo kid. Something about him fascinated me. He was in my history class and paid absolutely no attention to me because I wasn't in "his scene". Sometime in October, I looked up one of the bands he always wore, Asking Alexandria.
The music was alright, but it never really appealed to me that much. So I listened to a song on repeat until I did like it. Slowly, I started getting back into screamo music and started dressing more "punk rock".
He started to notice me, and I became friends with Abby, a friend of Lizzy's and Devon's. I admitted that I liked Devon and she helped me talk to him.
So we started talking slowly and then we started messaging on Facebook and on the third day of texting him, I walked home with him. It was a big deal, because he was the guy I liked and I was hanging out with him alone at his house.
Despite my wishes, nothing happened that night.
But we kept hanging out. One night, we watched a horror movie and because of my fascination with all things paranormal, I wasn't scared. We made fun of the movie and he tried to find my pulse and we spent a lot of time staring into each other's eyes. We didn't kiss that night.
But we eventually did, and then we eventually started making out and I ended up doing a thing called "titty fucking" which I don't want to talk about.
We broke up eventually but we still talked every now and then, but now I avoid him.
At some point this summer , I was walking home from work and Devon suggested we have sex because he was desperate and I was a virgin. He thought he'd be doing me a favor. I politely declined his offer because I didn't like him and he had a girlfriend. Now, I'm doing my best to avoid him which is working because we don't have any classes together (yay!).
Also this spring there was a guy named Andrew that I dated for a little bit but I'm not going to get into him because he was creepy and rude and flirted with everyone.
So now that I've described the most eventful thing, I 'm just gonna do a list of everything else that happened.
-got a cat (Mila)
-went to Warped Tour
-got a job at Culvers
-went on anti-depressants/anxiety
-dyed my hair red
-started going to Treehouse
And that's about it. I'm going to include some photos for your purpose but only briefly.
Love always,
Maddy
So now I'm going to (try to) start this back up again because, wow, I had a lot of fun reading back on it. However, it was slightly depressing. I had a dream and since then, that dream has died. I've given up on singing, I've realized that I will not move to London and live the life of someone in a book because lets be honest, my life is far from a book.
I'm at the start of my sophomore year of high school and freshman year really changed me.
When I got to high school, I was a prep. I had given up on the punk rock dreams of mine and focused on being a YouTube beauty guru (even though I never had a channel). I packed lunches for myself, tried to be healthy, dressed nicely, and tried to make a lot of friends.
It worked for a while, and then I saw Devon, who was your typical emo kid. Something about him fascinated me. He was in my history class and paid absolutely no attention to me because I wasn't in "his scene". Sometime in October, I looked up one of the bands he always wore, Asking Alexandria.
The music was alright, but it never really appealed to me that much. So I listened to a song on repeat until I did like it. Slowly, I started getting back into screamo music and started dressing more "punk rock".
He started to notice me, and I became friends with Abby, a friend of Lizzy's and Devon's. I admitted that I liked Devon and she helped me talk to him.
So we started talking slowly and then we started messaging on Facebook and on the third day of texting him, I walked home with him. It was a big deal, because he was the guy I liked and I was hanging out with him alone at his house.
Despite my wishes, nothing happened that night.
But we kept hanging out. One night, we watched a horror movie and because of my fascination with all things paranormal, I wasn't scared. We made fun of the movie and he tried to find my pulse and we spent a lot of time staring into each other's eyes. We didn't kiss that night.
But we eventually did, and then we eventually started making out and I ended up doing a thing called "titty fucking" which I don't want to talk about.
We broke up eventually but we still talked every now and then, but now I avoid him.
At some point this summer , I was walking home from work and Devon suggested we have sex because he was desperate and I was a virgin. He thought he'd be doing me a favor. I politely declined his offer because I didn't like him and he had a girlfriend. Now, I'm doing my best to avoid him which is working because we don't have any classes together (yay!).
Also this spring there was a guy named Andrew that I dated for a little bit but I'm not going to get into him because he was creepy and rude and flirted with everyone.
So now that I've described the most eventful thing, I 'm just gonna do a list of everything else that happened.
-got a cat (Mila)
-went to Warped Tour
-got a job at Culvers
-went on anti-depressants/anxiety
-dyed my hair red
-started going to Treehouse
And that's about it. I'm going to include some photos for your purpose but only briefly.
 |
| bryanstars |
Love always,
Maddy
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| deefizzy |
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| mila |
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| saywecanfly |
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| red hurr don't curr |
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| jordan sweeto |
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