Chapter 22

I'm finally back onto my old writing schedule! Anyways, lets get right in because I still have psych homework to do and to take a shower and it's nearing 10 PM.

Needless to say, I am incredibly stressed out. Yesterday I was out and running around all day, going to target and Makenna's therapy appointment. We even stopped at Potbelly where I had the best sandwich I've ever had in my entire life. I'm going to list the order so I can remember it for future Potbelly visits.

Multigrain bread, turkey, swiss, mayo, lettuce, avocado.

So simple, but so beautiful.

Also, I'm going to admit something that happened the other night. I relapsed back into cutting and now my wrist is covered in scars, but I can (hopefully) cover it up with bracelets for work tomorrow. It's also on my thigh but no one can see those anyways. I was just feeling so terrible and stressed and depressed and it's been quite a while since I've felt that bad. Usually it just comes and goes and I'm fine but now I'm really craving a cigarette.

While I was on the bus a few days ago, I noticed David. Like sure, I've noticed him before but I've never really noticed him. Despite that fact that I know it will never happen, I've developed a teeny tiny crush on him. Even if he did like me, I would never date him. He deserves so much better.

Today I went to Treehouse, where Tyler hugged me 50 million times and basically acted like we were dating. To be honest, I kind of wish that we were but I want to lose weight before then so I can actually feel comfortable around him.

I hate my body. I'm way too big and my stomach and legs are hideous. I've never liked them, but that doesn't make a difference. I want to like them. I want my stomach to be somewhat flat, so that I don't have to hide it in large t-shirts and I can walk around in only a tank top. Or for my legs to be smaller so I can wear shorts and thigh-high socks without them looking terribly weird.

I would give anything to feel comfortable in my own skin.

Love always,

Maddy

Chapter 17

You know when people say that girls never forget what you say to them? It's the truth. If you say something rude to a girl, she'll remember it forever. Even if you say something nice she'll remember it. 

A few days ago, Chris called me fat. It was around my friends so I couldn't react how I wanted to. All I said was "he's a douche" and then my friends joked about him and I put on that perfect little fake smile to get myself through. That whole time I was thinking about how I agreed with him. I didn't eat for the rest of the day. Not even an apple. Ever since, I haven't been able to forget about what he said. It's been in my head all day and reminding me not to eat because I'm such a fat ass. 

There's this guy on American Idol named Ethan Harris. He's my absolute favourite on the show and he followed me on Twitter and talked to me a bit. Ava and Julia also like him so we made his fandom name the Ethaners because why not? Here's some things he's said to me:

So yeah, he's a sweet guy and I just have a feeling he's going to make it far. I've already bought his album, that's how much I like him. 

I'm talking to Rose and Clark again. Rose doesn't know that no one has really spoke to Clark in a while so she decided to make a group chat consisting of me, Clark, Becky, Randy and of course, her. Randy never talks on it but Becky, Rose and I talk a lot. Clark likes to jump in every once in a while which is a step up from not speaking at all for months on end. I really missed Clark, he's one of my favourite people in the world and it hurt so much when he wouldn't talk to me. 

Love always, 

Maddy Iverson. 

Chapter 9

Today was quite eventful. 

To start it off, I ended up crying on the bus. I had a mental breakdown and I spent half the time on the bus trying not the cry and the other half crying. Some girl was sitting next to me (I didn't know her) and I was listening to music when I had a sudden realisation that my friends are leaving me. Before I started crying, Lizzy gave me Louis back and I pretended to be happy. But after the girl and Julia left, Lilly came and sat next to me as I wiped away remaining tears. I don't know if she knew that I was crying or not but she asked me if I was okay so I'm assuming she knew. 

Emily and Julia haven't really talked to me for weeks and Caroline soon joined them. Lizzy seems to be spending a shit more time with Julia, making me even more alone. I feel like they've all left me. And I've never felt more alone in my life. 

Even at our choir concert I felt alone. It was the first day I actually wore a short sleeved shirt because the scars in my wrist are starting to fade enough to not notice them as easily when I put concealer on them. It doesn't help that I made a complete fool out of myself. 

I don't think I want to go on with this...I'm tired and feel like writing a poem. 

Love always, 

Maddy Iverson