It's December.
My mother is looking at apartments, mostly three bedrooms but also two bedrooms, if she's desperate enough. She really wants to divorce my dad and I'm not sure if I'm happy about it or not. Like I want her to be happy, but we'd literally have no money left. Dad would have to buy everything for us and I would actually have to use my work money to buy myself clothes and such.
The apartment she found has two bedroom, two bathrooms, and allows two animals. We would bring Lucy and Mila. Maxx would stay with Dad wherever he would end up. It's also walking distance to all of my friend's houses basically, which is always nice. That would make it a lot easier to actually see my friends.
Last night, I talked about the apartment and the divorce in support group at Treehouse. It's kind of a big thing for me because I've only talked at Treehouse once, and the last time I did, it was over something completely stupid. Okay, not completely, but it wasn't important enough.
This however, was important. Everyone there could relate to either the divorce or Diane's death, which is what I talked about. I took up the whole time, sparing a few minutes for Garrett. But I think everyone knew that when I open up about things, it's usually serious. As I was getting support, I felt myself growing closer to everyone in that room. Including Taylor, Garrett, David, Nick, Maria, and Leticia. I haven't really talked to any of them except for Garrett and Nick. Like I've talked to David but not a lot, and I haven't gotten real with him.
The support I got helped me I think, I'm not sure. I just know I feel better having talked about it to anyone besides my mother. Lizzy doesn't even know.
Me and James are over, we're barely friends and I'm alright with it I guess. It's been about a week since it's all happened so I'm basically over it. As long as he's happy. And I can always find someone else, I think I'm somewhat attractive, but I'm not sure anymore.
I know that Tyler likes me, and that I'm kind of taking advantage of him. At the Halloween party, I was lonely and basically I was cuddling with him. When he asked me out on a date, I said yes, because I didn't know what else to say. He gave me his sweatshirt, because I was cold, and wrapped his arms around me. It really felt nice, I think.
Last Tuesday (Nov. 24) he went to Treehouse and for a while he was holding my hand then rubbing my back when we hugged and shit and I don't know if I like him or the attention he was giving me. It's been a little while since I've felt that kind of warmth from another person.
Right now, I don't even know if I want a relationship. I want what Bekah and Nick have. Oh by the way, they've had sex like four times now. Yep, my two best friends are having sex with each other and here I am all by myself, unfortunately. I want someone to love me the way Nick loves Bekah. I want the long hugs and spontaneous kisses. I want the trust you have to have to lose your virginity to them. They have that and I don't and it really sucks.
Anyways, I hung out with Hannah on Monday after my dentist appointment. We walked to Coopers and got Oreos, Peace Tea, and whipped cream. When we got back we watched Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List which was surprisingly a good movie, despite the fact it's totally stereotypical.
I can't believe I'm going back to this again but my life is starting to feel like The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I think it's because I actually have friends this year and there's actually drama and things happening and I'm actually getting close to people again. It feels really nice. I've missed having more than one friend to text and talk to on a daily basis.
The similarities of my life with Perks is making me want to watch the movie, really badly. I need to watch it soon, like maybe this weekend. I was supposed to watch it on Saturday with Tyler but something happened.
Friday night, I got really upset with my sister and I ended up running away basically. All I took was my phone, headphones, and my pennyboard. I left at 12:30 AM and only Matthew came to look for me, until I made him go back inside. With nowhere else to go, I went to Lizzy's house because I definitely didn't want to go home.
When I got back the next morning I got grounded and never ended up going to Tyler's, which he understood but I'm kind of disappointed. Hopefully we can do it this weekend but both of our schedules don't overlap very well and it takes effort from both sides.
This post is long enough, I'll end it here.
Love always,
Maddy
Showing posts with label Lizzy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lizzy. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Chapter 23
Words cannot describe how stressed I am. School has been so much homework. I'm trying my best with it, I really am, but it's so hard when all I'm used to is giving up. My grades are good though, I have two A's and a B but that's because there's barely any assignments in and teachers haven't done anything with the grade book.
I'm going to the doctor pretty soon here because I have to get my prescription dosage higher because it's not working as well as I want it to. I would give anything to not have depression and anxiety but that's not exactly something you can change. So, I'm taking pills for it in hope that they work.
Today is Tuesday, and my parents are leaving on Friday morning for Hawaii.
I left this post all week because I was crazy busy. It was a mix of work and preparing for them to leave. My dad made a mistake and left most of the shopping to Thursday night, making it even more stressful.
On Friday, James asked me to homecoming. The whole thing is still confusing to me, because of the way he did it. We were in Chemistry and I was talking to Lilly about the test we just took, no big deal. He was whisper-shouting at me from across the room and I ignored it but then I looked over and he was holding up a stuffed duck and a piece of paper. I couldn't read it because it was written in pencil so I just gave him a thumbs up since I thought it was about the duck.
James and his football friends starting cheering and whatnot and I get slightly confused. He comes up and asks me if I read the paper and whatever, I still can't remember what we said. But the paper said "HC?" on it. Yup. I said I was busy and stuff and then he somehow convinces me to say yes as we walk out of the classroom. THEN he like holds my hand and half hugs me (confusing, I know) and then walks away.
Later, Abbey asked him if he was taking his girlfriend to homecoming/if he was being serious earlier, he said no to the latter. He was being so serious earlier, and then he says that it was a joke. Maybe he said that because he didn't want Abbey to know, or he thought I didn't want Abbey to know. But part of me was disappointed he said no.
On Friday, I also mentioned where I worked, because Miller was sitting next to me. James said he was going to go in and say hi. Mostly, when people say that then they never do. But yesterday as I was working on drive, he came in. He said nothing about the homecoming thing but he was giving me a look.
Even if I wanted to go with him, I couldn't. Lizzy likes him and it's totally breaking the girl code. When I told her about it then she was totally jealous. I really want to say yes though. James is so cute and he's a football player and he's so nice and my heart is exploding. Most guys don't like me for who I actually am but he does.
Anyways, away from James... I went to an all night blitz with Treehouse on Friday night. It was fun, to say the least. I had a really good talk with Garret, hung out with Emily and Bekah for a long time. Actually talked to Gunnar in person for once, that was great. He remembered me from Facebook. This brought out two more guys that liked me for who I actually am. So far the list goes James, Garrett, Tyler, and Gunnar. Way more than it used to be.
Me and Bekah fell asleep while watching some movie and almost missed the bus home. That trip brought everyone closer and I'm so thankful for it. I can't wait for the one next year!
Me and Bekah snuck into the toddlers area at Grand Slam which was gated off, and it was the most fun I had in a long time. I felt like I belong with them, and that they were the friends I've wanted for so long.
I think that's it for now, so I'll continue watching How To Get Away With Murder while drinking pumpkin spice hot chocolate.
Love always,
Maddy
I'm going to the doctor pretty soon here because I have to get my prescription dosage higher because it's not working as well as I want it to. I would give anything to not have depression and anxiety but that's not exactly something you can change. So, I'm taking pills for it in hope that they work.
Today is Tuesday, and my parents are leaving on Friday morning for Hawaii.
I left this post all week because I was crazy busy. It was a mix of work and preparing for them to leave. My dad made a mistake and left most of the shopping to Thursday night, making it even more stressful.
On Friday, James asked me to homecoming. The whole thing is still confusing to me, because of the way he did it. We were in Chemistry and I was talking to Lilly about the test we just took, no big deal. He was whisper-shouting at me from across the room and I ignored it but then I looked over and he was holding up a stuffed duck and a piece of paper. I couldn't read it because it was written in pencil so I just gave him a thumbs up since I thought it was about the duck.
James and his football friends starting cheering and whatnot and I get slightly confused. He comes up and asks me if I read the paper and whatever, I still can't remember what we said. But the paper said "HC?" on it. Yup. I said I was busy and stuff and then he somehow convinces me to say yes as we walk out of the classroom. THEN he like holds my hand and half hugs me (confusing, I know) and then walks away.
Later, Abbey asked him if he was taking his girlfriend to homecoming/if he was being serious earlier, he said no to the latter. He was being so serious earlier, and then he says that it was a joke. Maybe he said that because he didn't want Abbey to know, or he thought I didn't want Abbey to know. But part of me was disappointed he said no.
On Friday, I also mentioned where I worked, because Miller was sitting next to me. James said he was going to go in and say hi. Mostly, when people say that then they never do. But yesterday as I was working on drive, he came in. He said nothing about the homecoming thing but he was giving me a look.
Even if I wanted to go with him, I couldn't. Lizzy likes him and it's totally breaking the girl code. When I told her about it then she was totally jealous. I really want to say yes though. James is so cute and he's a football player and he's so nice and my heart is exploding. Most guys don't like me for who I actually am but he does.
Anyways, away from James... I went to an all night blitz with Treehouse on Friday night. It was fun, to say the least. I had a really good talk with Garret, hung out with Emily and Bekah for a long time. Actually talked to Gunnar in person for once, that was great. He remembered me from Facebook. This brought out two more guys that liked me for who I actually am. So far the list goes James, Garrett, Tyler, and Gunnar. Way more than it used to be.
Me and Bekah fell asleep while watching some movie and almost missed the bus home. That trip brought everyone closer and I'm so thankful for it. I can't wait for the one next year!
Me and Bekah snuck into the toddlers area at Grand Slam which was gated off, and it was the most fun I had in a long time. I felt like I belong with them, and that they were the friends I've wanted for so long.
I think that's it for now, so I'll continue watching How To Get Away With Murder while drinking pumpkin spice hot chocolate.
Love always,
Maddy
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Chapter 21
Wow, it's been over a year. Really sorry about that, but a lot of stuff was happening and I just completely forgot about this blog until now.
So now I'm going to (try to) start this back up again because, wow, I had a lot of fun reading back on it. However, it was slightly depressing. I had a dream and since then, that dream has died. I've given up on singing, I've realized that I will not move to London and live the life of someone in a book because lets be honest, my life is far from a book.
I'm at the start of my sophomore year of high school and freshman year really changed me.
When I got to high school, I was a prep. I had given up on the punk rock dreams of mine and focused on being a YouTube beauty guru (even though I never had a channel). I packed lunches for myself, tried to be healthy, dressed nicely, and tried to make a lot of friends.
It worked for a while, and then I saw Devon, who was your typical emo kid. Something about him fascinated me. He was in my history class and paid absolutely no attention to me because I wasn't in "his scene". Sometime in October, I looked up one of the bands he always wore, Asking Alexandria.
The music was alright, but it never really appealed to me that much. So I listened to a song on repeat until I did like it. Slowly, I started getting back into screamo music and started dressing more "punk rock".
He started to notice me, and I became friends with Abby, a friend of Lizzy's and Devon's. I admitted that I liked Devon and she helped me talk to him.
So we started talking slowly and then we started messaging on Facebook and on the third day of texting him, I walked home with him. It was a big deal, because he was the guy I liked and I was hanging out with him alone at his house.
Despite my wishes, nothing happened that night.
But we kept hanging out. One night, we watched a horror movie and because of my fascination with all things paranormal, I wasn't scared. We made fun of the movie and he tried to find my pulse and we spent a lot of time staring into each other's eyes. We didn't kiss that night.
But we eventually did, and then we eventually started making out and I ended up doing a thing called "titty fucking" which I don't want to talk about.
We broke up eventually but we still talked every now and then, but now I avoid him.
At some point this summer , I was walking home from work and Devon suggested we have sex because he was desperate and I was a virgin. He thought he'd be doing me a favor. I politely declined his offer because I didn't like him and he had a girlfriend. Now, I'm doing my best to avoid him which is working because we don't have any classes together (yay!).
Also this spring there was a guy named Andrew that I dated for a little bit but I'm not going to get into him because he was creepy and rude and flirted with everyone.
So now that I've described the most eventful thing, I 'm just gonna do a list of everything else that happened.
-got a cat (Mila)
-went to Warped Tour
-got a job at Culvers
-went on anti-depressants/anxiety
-dyed my hair red
-started going to Treehouse
And that's about it. I'm going to include some photos for your purpose but only briefly.
Love always,
Maddy
So now I'm going to (try to) start this back up again because, wow, I had a lot of fun reading back on it. However, it was slightly depressing. I had a dream and since then, that dream has died. I've given up on singing, I've realized that I will not move to London and live the life of someone in a book because lets be honest, my life is far from a book.
I'm at the start of my sophomore year of high school and freshman year really changed me.
When I got to high school, I was a prep. I had given up on the punk rock dreams of mine and focused on being a YouTube beauty guru (even though I never had a channel). I packed lunches for myself, tried to be healthy, dressed nicely, and tried to make a lot of friends.
It worked for a while, and then I saw Devon, who was your typical emo kid. Something about him fascinated me. He was in my history class and paid absolutely no attention to me because I wasn't in "his scene". Sometime in October, I looked up one of the bands he always wore, Asking Alexandria.
The music was alright, but it never really appealed to me that much. So I listened to a song on repeat until I did like it. Slowly, I started getting back into screamo music and started dressing more "punk rock".
He started to notice me, and I became friends with Abby, a friend of Lizzy's and Devon's. I admitted that I liked Devon and she helped me talk to him.
So we started talking slowly and then we started messaging on Facebook and on the third day of texting him, I walked home with him. It was a big deal, because he was the guy I liked and I was hanging out with him alone at his house.
Despite my wishes, nothing happened that night.
But we kept hanging out. One night, we watched a horror movie and because of my fascination with all things paranormal, I wasn't scared. We made fun of the movie and he tried to find my pulse and we spent a lot of time staring into each other's eyes. We didn't kiss that night.
But we eventually did, and then we eventually started making out and I ended up doing a thing called "titty fucking" which I don't want to talk about.
We broke up eventually but we still talked every now and then, but now I avoid him.
At some point this summer , I was walking home from work and Devon suggested we have sex because he was desperate and I was a virgin. He thought he'd be doing me a favor. I politely declined his offer because I didn't like him and he had a girlfriend. Now, I'm doing my best to avoid him which is working because we don't have any classes together (yay!).
Also this spring there was a guy named Andrew that I dated for a little bit but I'm not going to get into him because he was creepy and rude and flirted with everyone.
So now that I've described the most eventful thing, I 'm just gonna do a list of everything else that happened.
-got a cat (Mila)
-went to Warped Tour
-got a job at Culvers
-went on anti-depressants/anxiety
-dyed my hair red
-started going to Treehouse
And that's about it. I'm going to include some photos for your purpose but only briefly.
 |
| bryanstars |
Love always,
Maddy
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| deefizzy |
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| mila |
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| saywecanfly |
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| red hurr don't curr |
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| jordan sweeto |
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Chapter 20
It's only been a few days but I knew that if I didn't make a post now, I would forget. While reading Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe which I am still reading, Ari makes diary entries but instead of actually writing it out like this, it's a list. I'm thinking of doing that but then explaining them after the list. So here we go!
-Lizzy and I are friends again
-Julia stayed home from school
-I'm now punk rock
-Trying to be funny
-Going to a writing party on Saturday
Julia is sick, so she stayed home from school today. I felt very lost and out of place.Julia is like my anchor and she sorta guides me around. I'm not really friends with Caroline and Emily like Julia is, so I thought it was awkward to sit with them at lunch. I even considered ditching lunch and going to the bathroom, not eating anything. Or worrying about who I should sit with.
This brings me to the point before that. So earlier this morning, I decided I've had enough of it being awkward between Lizzy and I. So I told her that I want to be friends again and start talking again. That and I realised that it's sort of awkward only being close to Julia. So we've been talking all day (mostly about writing) and it's been pretty cool.
Today in advisory, I was talking to Madie and Caroline. Now, I don't really like Madie that much. She's kind of annoying and a goody-two-shoes. I really like Caroline. She's a really cool person and I kind of want to be like her. So Madie wrote a poem saying that I liked 1D and stuff. Caroline decided to write a poem about me. It went like this:
Maddy is the name
Being punk rock is the game
7:15 is the best
I sit at home and re-read it until it updates in my nest
Ashton Irwin is hot
You are not
My favorite color is black
I also enjoy snacks
Muke is my OTP
I've really gotta pee
I love Converse and Vans
Almost as much as I love bands
5 Seconds of Summer?
I like the drummer
Now what I really got out of that poem is that I'm punk rock. For a while, I've been doing my best to have a label. I really, really, really wanted to be punk rock because being punk rock is awesome! So the fact that Caroline said that I'm punk rock really made me believe it. I think that Caroline is punk rock too. She doesn't realise that we both have a lot in common, the punk rock thing included. Yet she likes Emily who's the complete opposite of us. I just really want to be good friends with Caroline.
For the past while, I've been doing my best to not only be punk rock, but funny. People like funny people and I don't' exactly categorise myself as funny. So I've also been trying to be funny and to get people to listen to me instead of talking over me and/or ignoring me completely. So far, I'm partially succeeding at the funny part but the second part is tough. I've been trying to note when other people talk and how they get noticed and doing that, but it isn't working. Maybe I just need to try harder.
Lizzy texted me while writing this so I decided to add it. She wants to have a "writing party" with the two of us. Our plan is to go to the mall Starbucks and sit there and write. She's going to bring her notebook and I'm going to bring my laptop since writing goes by a lot faster there. Plus, I don't have to type it all out later on. But since Rainbow Rowell and John Green sometimes write in coffee shops and it's proven that you're more productive in a coffee shop, I'm hoping to get a lot done. I don't know how long we'll be there but my goal is to have a chapter done. I still can't decide if I want to write When We Leave or I Still Love You but I'm thinking ISLY since she met Harry in the coffee shop. Yeah, definitely ISLY.
Love always,
Maddy Iverson
-Lizzy and I are friends again
-Julia stayed home from school
-I'm now punk rock
-Trying to be funny
-Going to a writing party on Saturday
Julia is sick, so she stayed home from school today. I felt very lost and out of place.Julia is like my anchor and she sorta guides me around. I'm not really friends with Caroline and Emily like Julia is, so I thought it was awkward to sit with them at lunch. I even considered ditching lunch and going to the bathroom, not eating anything. Or worrying about who I should sit with.
This brings me to the point before that. So earlier this morning, I decided I've had enough of it being awkward between Lizzy and I. So I told her that I want to be friends again and start talking again. That and I realised that it's sort of awkward only being close to Julia. So we've been talking all day (mostly about writing) and it's been pretty cool.
Today in advisory, I was talking to Madie and Caroline. Now, I don't really like Madie that much. She's kind of annoying and a goody-two-shoes. I really like Caroline. She's a really cool person and I kind of want to be like her. So Madie wrote a poem saying that I liked 1D and stuff. Caroline decided to write a poem about me. It went like this:
Maddy is the name
Being punk rock is the game
7:15 is the best
I sit at home and re-read it until it updates in my nest
Ashton Irwin is hot
You are not
My favorite color is black
I also enjoy snacks
Muke is my OTP
I've really gotta pee
I love Converse and Vans
Almost as much as I love bands
5 Seconds of Summer?
I like the drummer
Now what I really got out of that poem is that I'm punk rock. For a while, I've been doing my best to have a label. I really, really, really wanted to be punk rock because being punk rock is awesome! So the fact that Caroline said that I'm punk rock really made me believe it. I think that Caroline is punk rock too. She doesn't realise that we both have a lot in common, the punk rock thing included. Yet she likes Emily who's the complete opposite of us. I just really want to be good friends with Caroline.
For the past while, I've been doing my best to not only be punk rock, but funny. People like funny people and I don't' exactly categorise myself as funny. So I've also been trying to be funny and to get people to listen to me instead of talking over me and/or ignoring me completely. So far, I'm partially succeeding at the funny part but the second part is tough. I've been trying to note when other people talk and how they get noticed and doing that, but it isn't working. Maybe I just need to try harder.
Lizzy texted me while writing this so I decided to add it. She wants to have a "writing party" with the two of us. Our plan is to go to the mall Starbucks and sit there and write. She's going to bring her notebook and I'm going to bring my laptop since writing goes by a lot faster there. Plus, I don't have to type it all out later on. But since Rainbow Rowell and John Green sometimes write in coffee shops and it's proven that you're more productive in a coffee shop, I'm hoping to get a lot done. I don't know how long we'll be there but my goal is to have a chapter done. I still can't decide if I want to write When We Leave or I Still Love You but I'm thinking ISLY since she met Harry in the coffee shop. Yeah, definitely ISLY.
Love always,
Maddy Iverson
Monday, January 13, 2014
Chapter 15
My problem with these is that I keep telling myself to do them and then I forget so I forget for quite a while. I need to work on that.
So today I skipped school. Nothing interesting came from it except getting to sleep longer and being home alone for a few hours. It was fun though. I read for a while and planned some of my new story. Hell, I even named it today. It took a while but I finally chose What We Had because I'm going to kill off the main guy in the end like John Green. Oops?
I still haven't spoken to Lizzy. She's being a bitch to Julia about it and keeps asking her to give her homework over so she can copy it. Although Lizzy got a few assignments from Julia, she's failing a few classes and the others are soon-to-be failing classes. Not only that but she also has this friend Rachel that's apparently a girlfriend. Lizzy's known her for a few months and they're already planning on Lizzy going to Manchester (Rachel lives there) so they can meet up. But I have a feeling Rachel isn't who Lizzy thinks she is.
Julia and I have been getting closer. We're constantly texting and hanging out mostly on the weekends. I can remember when I started this, I didn't like her but now I do. On Saturday we went to the mall and before that I would just go over to her house and we would talk for hours and play Minecraft. Doing all of this with her is making me feel like a normal teenager and not who I was a year ago let alone months ago.
Makenna is reading a lot too. She seems to think that reading is the only thing that matters when in reality, she should be doing her homework. I know she has it but as soon as she got home she started reading and hasn't stopped since. Literally. She didn't even eat dinner or take a shower.
Speaking of books, I got 100,000 reads on Abused! I started crying when I saw it and screamed because I never expected this. When I started writing it, I thought i would get a hundred reads or so but 100,000?! That's absolutely incredible and seriously a dream come true. I had always dreamed of getting 100,000 and now I have accomplished it. It's an indescribable feeling.
Love always,
Maddy Iverson.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Chapter 14
I'm only doing this entry so early so I don't forget. But hey, it's still an entry.
So I've finally gotten one of my books! It's the only one that has come so far and it's called Voluntary Madness: My Year Lost and Found in the Loony Bin and I haven't started it yet but I know it's going to be good. I'm saying that it's research for a book I'll be writing but I don't know if I'll actually be writing the book. I'm planning on writing it (if I do) during November for NaNoWriMo but as I said before, I don't know yet.
I still haven't talked to Lizzy. She keeps asking Julia about me and stuff which is annoying both her and me. Honestly, I don't want to talk to her. It wasn't just the fact that she assumed that but she assumed it without knowing anything about my life which pissed me off. She doesn't know that I'm starving myself every night, how I slit my wrist or even about my inner demons. She doesn't know about my schizophrenia or anxiety. She knows absolutely nothing about me yet she goes and says "I bet my life is ten times worse than yours" when she knows nothing about me.
So not only is it awkward during lunch when Julia has to sit in the space between us but during Maths when I sit in the aisle seat and next to Lizzy. I think our teacher has noticed too because we're usually talking a lot and it's been toe days of that class (because of winter break) and I've been absolutely silent except when she asks me a question.
Unlike last year, I'm actually keeping up with my homework and keeping my grades up. I have all A's and B's except for two classes. Science because I did bad on a test so getting in more assignments will raise it and then English. Only now have I found out that I'm missing a worksheet so I'm going to get that done and turn it in. That's actually a huge improvement from last year since I had about 6 missing assignments from each class and was basically failing everything. It makes me happy that I'm not in that place anymore.
To improve my English and writing skills, I've decided to start editing peoples stories. So I put a post on an editor thread on Wattpad and got a ton of responses. Sadly, I'm not able to do them all but I have a few that I'm doing to help with that. Not only am I helping myself, but I'm helping other people. Whether it's the hundreds of people reading it, thankful to the correct grammar or the person writing it. It makes me happier as well.
So I think that's it. I'll try not to forget another post like I did last time but I can't make any promises!
Love always,
Maddy Iverson
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