Chapter 20

It's only been a few days but I knew that if I didn't make a post now, I would forget. While reading Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe which I am still reading, Ari makes diary entries but instead of actually writing it out like this, it's a list. I'm thinking of doing that but then explaining them after the list. So here we go!

-Lizzy and I are friends again
-Julia stayed home from school
-I'm now punk rock
-Trying to be funny
-Going to a writing party on Saturday

Julia is sick, so she stayed home from school today. I felt very lost and out of place.Julia is like my anchor and she sorta guides me around. I'm not really friends with Caroline and Emily like Julia is, so I thought it was awkward to sit with them at lunch. I even considered ditching lunch and going to the bathroom, not eating anything. Or worrying about who I should sit with.

This brings me to the point before that. So earlier this morning, I decided I've had enough of it being awkward between Lizzy and I. So I told her that I want to be friends again and start talking again. That and I realised that it's sort of awkward only being close to Julia. So we've been talking all day (mostly about writing) and it's been pretty cool.

Today in advisory, I was talking to Madie and Caroline. Now, I don't really like Madie that much. She's kind of annoying and a goody-two-shoes. I really like Caroline. She's a really cool person and I kind of want to be like her. So Madie wrote a poem saying that I liked 1D and stuff. Caroline decided to write a poem about me. It went like this:

Maddy is the name
Being punk rock is the game
7:15 is the best
I sit at home and re-read it until it updates in my nest
Ashton Irwin is hot
You are not
My favorite color is black
I also enjoy snacks
Muke is my OTP
I've really gotta pee
I love Converse and Vans
Almost as much as I love bands
5 Seconds of Summer?
I like the drummer

Now what I really got out of that poem is that I'm punk rock. For a while, I've been doing my best to have a label. I really, really, really wanted to be punk rock because being punk rock is awesome! So the fact that Caroline said that I'm punk rock really made me believe it. I think that Caroline is punk rock too. She doesn't realise that we both have a lot in common, the punk rock thing included. Yet she likes Emily who's the complete opposite of us. I just really want to be good friends with Caroline.

For the past while, I've been doing my best to not only be punk rock, but funny. People like funny people and I don't' exactly categorise myself as funny. So I've also been trying to be funny and to get people to listen to me instead of talking over me and/or ignoring me completely. So far, I'm partially succeeding at the funny part but the second part is tough. I've been trying to note when other people talk and how they get noticed and doing that, but it isn't working. Maybe I just need to try harder.

Lizzy texted me while writing this so I decided to add it. She wants to have a "writing party" with the two of us. Our plan is to go to the mall Starbucks and sit there and write. She's going to bring her notebook and I'm going to bring my laptop since writing goes by a lot faster there. Plus, I don't have to type it all out later on. But since Rainbow Rowell and John Green sometimes write in coffee shops and it's proven that you're more productive in a coffee shop, I'm hoping to get a lot done. I don't know how long we'll be there but my goal is to have a chapter done. I still can't decide if I want to write When We Leave or I Still Love You but I'm thinking ISLY since she met Harry in the coffee shop. Yeah, definitely ISLY.

Love always,

Maddy Iverson

Chapter 19

It's been about 3 months. So here's a list of what's been going on in my life in no particular order. 

-I told David I liked him. He said he was sorry. We didn't talk for a week then we started talking like nothing happened. 

-I stopped being friends with Lizzy again 

-Lizzy told her mom that Julia and I are bullying her. Lizzy went to the school counselor and said that I'm her main problem in her life when she's causing her own problems and we haven't talked to her in a while so we never bullied her 

-I started writing a Harry Styles AU called I Still Love You

-I started planning my NaNoWriMo story. It's about a girl named Preston 

-I've been writing When We Leave 

-I haven't been eating 

-I've started editing Abused 

-Lizzy and I finished The English Teacher. We edited 2 paragraphs before I went on a rage quit and stopped 

-I've been getting closer to Julia, Emily and Caroline 

-I got my braces off. Here's a picture from about 2 months ago 

-I got a stuffed animal from my aunt. It's a cat. It's name is Mattie and it's a boy. My dogs are jealous of it 

-I made a dream catcher. Here's a picture 

-I might be getting a job at Valley Fair (amusement park)  this summer 

-I've been "wiring myself up" to listen to music in class 

And I think that's it. 

Love always, 

Maddy Iverson

Chapter 18

Things have been getting worse. February is always my bad month; the month I get depressed and things start going downhill. So far, it's happening again. 

Julia and I haven't spoken much. She's always blabbing on about Emily. No seriously. She's always like "Emily did this..." Or "Emily said this..." And it's annoying. Not only that but I also haven't been spending time with her. My anxiety isn't helping with any of this either. It's making it all so much worse. When my anxiety gets that bad, so does my depression. Julia hasn't been riding the bus so I get to sit there and listen to depressing music just like last year. 

Last night, I went ice skating with my sister (Makenna) and her friend Makenzie.  It was about 7 at night and completely dark out so I wasn't feeling very safe. To make things worse, they decided they wanted to go and drag a guy to the ice rink. He already said he didn't want to go and that he just got home from hockey practice but they still tried to get him to come. We walked through the dark neighborhood alone and no one was out there. I ended up having a minor panic attack because I thought we were going to get kidnapped or something. So I called my mother and asked her to come pick us up but didn't tell them that I did that. She showed up a few minutes later and I was so relieved and felt so much better. We went back to the ice rink so they could get their skates and they ended up skating even more whole Mom and me talked in the car. I cried a little bit and we joked around before heading back home. 

Speaking of Mom, she bought me diet pills a few days ago. I asked her to buy them though, so it wasn't an insult. So far I've been doing good with them and I'm hoping they'll help. They need to. If I don't lose 20 pounds by summer I'm going to have a terrible summer and school year. So let's hope they work out well! 

Lizzy dyed her hair red. Like a bright red. It doesn't look good at all and it probably damaged her hair so badly. She didn't bleach it before she dyed it so she probably had to dye it over and over again. On Friday, she wore a white shirt and Rachel King said that she looked like a tampon. Rachel is a really nice person so I don't actually think she said it, but it is hilarious. Lizzy actually does look like a bloody tampon with her hair like that and I hope it fades soon. 

Love always, 

Maddy Iverson

Chapter 17

You know when people say that girls never forget what you say to them? It's the truth. If you say something rude to a girl, she'll remember it forever. Even if you say something nice she'll remember it. 

A few days ago, Chris called me fat. It was around my friends so I couldn't react how I wanted to. All I said was "he's a douche" and then my friends joked about him and I put on that perfect little fake smile to get myself through. That whole time I was thinking about how I agreed with him. I didn't eat for the rest of the day. Not even an apple. Ever since, I haven't been able to forget about what he said. It's been in my head all day and reminding me not to eat because I'm such a fat ass. 

There's this guy on American Idol named Ethan Harris. He's my absolute favourite on the show and he followed me on Twitter and talked to me a bit. Ava and Julia also like him so we made his fandom name the Ethaners because why not? Here's some things he's said to me:

So yeah, he's a sweet guy and I just have a feeling he's going to make it far. I've already bought his album, that's how much I like him. 

I'm talking to Rose and Clark again. Rose doesn't know that no one has really spoke to Clark in a while so she decided to make a group chat consisting of me, Clark, Becky, Randy and of course, her. Randy never talks on it but Becky, Rose and I talk a lot. Clark likes to jump in every once in a while which is a step up from not speaking at all for months on end. I really missed Clark, he's one of my favourite people in the world and it hurt so much when he wouldn't talk to me. 

Love always, 

Maddy Iverson. 

Chapter 16

Right now I'm procrastinating writing chapter 31 of Abused. I just can't right and I need to get it done because I uploaded a chapter last night and I need the next one done! 

Anyways, today is Monday and I didn't have school.  Yay for American holidays! So yesterday I spent the whole day listening to Fangirl and watching This Is Us since I just got it at Target. It was a very relaxing day and I wish I could have another day like that one. I was absolutely carefree and I felt really good about the day. 

On Saturday, Julia came to my house for the first time. We attempted watching The Perks Of Being a Wallflower but my family interrupted and we went to her house. We are some pizza and played Minecraft for a while before we watched a few scenes from Rocky Horror. That was fun too. 

January is passing quickly. Last January I kinda went through this stage where I wouldn't talk to anyone at all and it lasted a long time. While this January I'm trying to have fun and it's working. Just like they say, time passes fast when you're having fun. I only have a few more months left, I think I can get through it and then I'm in high school. 

Love always, 

Maddy Iverson

Chapter 15

My problem with these is that I keep telling myself to do them and then I forget so I forget for quite a while. I need to work on that. 

So today I skipped school. Nothing interesting came from it except getting to sleep longer and being home alone for a few hours. It was fun though. I read for a while and planned some of my new story. Hell, I even named it today. It took a while but I finally chose What We Had because I'm going to kill off the main guy in the end like John Green. Oops? 

I still haven't spoken to Lizzy. She's being a bitch to Julia about it and keeps asking her to give her homework over so she can copy it. Although Lizzy got a few assignments from Julia, she's failing a few classes and the others are soon-to-be failing classes. Not only that but she also has this friend Rachel that's apparently a girlfriend. Lizzy's known her for a few months and they're already planning on Lizzy going to Manchester (Rachel lives there) so they can meet up. But I have a feeling Rachel isn't who Lizzy thinks she is. 

Julia and I have been getting closer. We're constantly texting and hanging out mostly on the weekends. I can remember when I started this, I didn't like her but now I do. On Saturday we went to the mall and before that I would just go over to her house and we would talk for hours and play Minecraft. Doing all of this with her is making me feel like a normal teenager and not who I was a year ago let alone months ago. 

Makenna is reading a lot too. She seems to think that reading is the only thing that matters when in reality, she should be doing her homework. I know she has it but as soon as she got home she started reading and hasn't stopped since. Literally. She didn't even eat dinner or take a shower. 

Speaking of books, I got 100,000 reads on Abused! I started crying when I saw it and screamed because I never expected this. When I started writing it, I thought i would get a hundred reads or so but 100,000?! That's absolutely incredible and seriously a dream come true. I had always dreamed of getting 100,000 and now I have accomplished it. It's an indescribable feeling. 

Love always,

Maddy Iverson. 

Chapter 14

I'm only doing this entry so early so I don't forget. But hey, it's still an entry. 

So I've finally gotten one of my books! It's the only one that has come so far and it's called Voluntary Madness: My Year Lost and Found in the Loony Bin and I haven't started it yet but I know it's going to be good. I'm saying that it's research for a book I'll be writing but I don't know if I'll actually be writing the book. I'm planning on writing it (if I do) during November for NaNoWriMo but as I said before, I don't know yet. 

I still haven't talked to Lizzy. She keeps asking Julia about me and stuff which is annoying both her and me. Honestly, I don't want to talk to her. It wasn't just the fact that she assumed that but she assumed it without knowing anything about my life which pissed me off. She doesn't know that I'm starving myself every night, how I slit my wrist or even about my inner demons. She doesn't know about my schizophrenia or anxiety. She knows absolutely nothing about me yet she goes and says "I bet my life is ten times worse than yours" when she knows nothing about me. 

So not only is it awkward during lunch when Julia has to sit in the space between us but during Maths when I sit in the aisle seat and next to Lizzy. I think our teacher has noticed too because we're usually talking a lot and it's been toe days of that class (because of winter break) and I've been absolutely silent except when she asks me a question. 

Unlike last year, I'm actually keeping up with my homework and keeping my grades up. I have all A's and B's except for two classes. Science because I did bad on a test so getting in more assignments will raise it and then English. Only now have I found out that I'm missing a worksheet so I'm going to get that done and turn it in. That's actually a huge improvement from last year since I had about 6 missing assignments from each class and was basically failing everything. It makes me happy that I'm not in that place anymore. 

To improve my English and writing skills, I've decided to start editing peoples stories. So I put a post on an editor thread on Wattpad and got a ton of responses. Sadly, I'm not able to do them all but I have a few that I'm doing to help with that. Not only am I helping myself, but I'm helping other people. Whether it's the hundreds of people reading it, thankful to the correct grammar or the person writing it. It makes me happier as well. 

So I think that's it. I'll try not to forget another post like I did last time but I can't make any promises!

Love always,

Maddy Iverson