Chapter 26

It's December.

My mother is looking at apartments, mostly three bedrooms but also two bedrooms, if she's desperate enough. She really wants to divorce my dad and I'm not sure if I'm happy about it or not. Like I want her to be happy, but we'd literally have no money left. Dad would have to buy everything for us and I would actually have to use my work money to buy myself clothes and such.

The apartment she found has two bedroom, two bathrooms, and allows two animals. We would bring Lucy and Mila. Maxx would stay with Dad wherever he would end up. It's also walking distance to all of my friend's houses basically, which is always nice. That would make it a lot easier to actually see my friends.

Last night, I talked about the apartment and the divorce in support group at Treehouse. It's kind of a big thing for me because I've only talked at Treehouse once, and the last time I did, it was over something completely stupid. Okay, not completely, but it wasn't important enough.

This however, was important. Everyone there could relate to either the divorce or Diane's death, which is what I talked about. I took up the whole time, sparing a few minutes for Garrett. But I think everyone knew that when I open up about things, it's usually serious. As I was getting support, I felt myself growing closer to everyone in that room. Including Taylor, Garrett, David, Nick, Maria, and Leticia. I haven't really talked to any of them except for Garrett and Nick. Like I've talked to David but not a lot, and I haven't gotten real with him.

The support I got helped me I think, I'm not sure. I just know I feel better having talked about it to anyone besides my mother. Lizzy doesn't even know.

Me and James are over, we're barely friends and I'm alright with it I guess. It's been about a week since it's all happened so I'm basically over it. As long as he's happy. And I can always find someone else, I think I'm somewhat attractive, but I'm not sure anymore.

I know that Tyler likes me, and that I'm kind of taking advantage of him. At the Halloween party, I was lonely and basically I was cuddling with him. When he asked me out on a date, I said yes, because I didn't know what else to say. He gave me his sweatshirt, because I was cold, and wrapped his arms around me. It really felt nice, I think.

Last Tuesday (Nov. 24) he went to Treehouse and for a while he was holding my hand then rubbing my back when we hugged and shit and I don't know if I like him or the attention he was giving me. It's been a little while since I've felt that kind of warmth from another person.

Right now, I don't even know if I want a relationship. I want what Bekah and Nick have. Oh by the way, they've had sex like four times now. Yep, my two best friends are having sex with each other and here I am all by myself, unfortunately. I want someone to love me the way Nick loves Bekah. I want the long hugs and spontaneous kisses. I want the trust you have to have to lose your virginity to them. They have that and I don't and it really sucks.

Anyways, I hung out with Hannah on Monday after my dentist appointment. We walked to Coopers and got Oreos, Peace Tea, and whipped cream. When we got back we watched Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List which was surprisingly a good movie, despite the fact it's totally stereotypical.

I can't believe I'm going back to this again but my life is starting to feel like The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I think it's because I actually have friends this year and there's actually drama and things happening and I'm actually getting close to people again. It feels really nice. I've missed having more than one friend to text and talk to on a daily basis.

The similarities of my life with Perks is making me want to watch the movie, really badly. I need to watch it soon, like maybe this weekend. I was supposed to watch it on Saturday with Tyler but something happened.

Friday night, I got really upset with my sister and I ended up running away basically. All I took was my phone, headphones, and my pennyboard. I left at 12:30 AM and only Matthew came to look for me, until I made him go back inside. With nowhere else to go, I went to Lizzy's house because I definitely didn't want to go home.

When I got back the next morning I got grounded and never ended up going to Tyler's, which he understood but I'm kind of disappointed. Hopefully we can do it this weekend but both of our schedules don't overlap very well and it takes effort from both sides.

This post is long enough, I'll end it here.

Love always,

Maddy

Chapter 8

Been a while, huh? I apologise, I'm not exactly in the mood to write a blog lost especially what this one is going to be about. 

I've been getting bad again. There's new scars covering my forearm and I haven't eaten in a while. But on the good side, I should be skinny by 2014 if I eat less than 700 calories every day and exercise. It's a good thought. 

As for the whole cutting thing, I don't know how to explain that. I've been trying to clear them up on my arm and continue somewhere hidden, I hate having to hide them under long sleeve shirts of which I'm running out of. 

Lizzy and I are planning to make a movie. It reminds me of The Perks Of Beinf a Wallflower but we're doing it different. Olivia is going to be a cross dresser in it! And I'm trying to get Matthew, my brother, in it. It's going to be mostly improv and hilarious. 

There's someone that I met a while back (elementary school) that has sort of made a comeback into my life. David Lyon. Yes, a guy! He likes to write and read, play video games and we basically have a ton in common. It's a nice thought. We both support Manchester United and Chelsea which is quite amazing and we talk about football often. We've been talking for a few weeks and well, it makes me happy. He sends me goodnight poems sometimes or good morning poems... He's an amazing writer. He never shares his work though which is disappointing. One more thing about him, he's in love with someone. I don't know who it is though. I had a feeling it was me but I know for a fact now that it isn't. Nobody likes me. 

Love always, 

Maddy Iverson