Chapter 22

I'm finally back onto my old writing schedule! Anyways, lets get right in because I still have psych homework to do and to take a shower and it's nearing 10 PM.

Needless to say, I am incredibly stressed out. Yesterday I was out and running around all day, going to target and Makenna's therapy appointment. We even stopped at Potbelly where I had the best sandwich I've ever had in my entire life. I'm going to list the order so I can remember it for future Potbelly visits.

Multigrain bread, turkey, swiss, mayo, lettuce, avocado.

So simple, but so beautiful.

Also, I'm going to admit something that happened the other night. I relapsed back into cutting and now my wrist is covered in scars, but I can (hopefully) cover it up with bracelets for work tomorrow. It's also on my thigh but no one can see those anyways. I was just feeling so terrible and stressed and depressed and it's been quite a while since I've felt that bad. Usually it just comes and goes and I'm fine but now I'm really craving a cigarette.

While I was on the bus a few days ago, I noticed David. Like sure, I've noticed him before but I've never really noticed him. Despite that fact that I know it will never happen, I've developed a teeny tiny crush on him. Even if he did like me, I would never date him. He deserves so much better.

Today I went to Treehouse, where Tyler hugged me 50 million times and basically acted like we were dating. To be honest, I kind of wish that we were but I want to lose weight before then so I can actually feel comfortable around him.

I hate my body. I'm way too big and my stomach and legs are hideous. I've never liked them, but that doesn't make a difference. I want to like them. I want my stomach to be somewhat flat, so that I don't have to hide it in large t-shirts and I can walk around in only a tank top. Or for my legs to be smaller so I can wear shorts and thigh-high socks without them looking terribly weird.

I would give anything to feel comfortable in my own skin.

Love always,

Maddy

Chapter 10

A big load of shit has been happening. So let's start with the stuff that's bothering me the most. 

Lizzy's apparently cutting again and wants to kill herself. In my mind, it's selfish. Hear me out, okay? So she drops the bomb on Julia and I and expect us to like, heal her or something. We keep saying that we love her and shit but she keeps saying how "love isn't enough" and shit. It's so annoying. I do feel a little guilty though. She sent us a long paragraph explaining it and I showed it to my mom and my mom called Anne (Lizzy's mom) and I think she's thinking about sending her somewhere. I'm a bit worried but I hope she gets better if this is actually real and not a way to seek attention.  She's a very big attention seeker. 

Along with the Lizzy drama, we have the Emily and Caroline drama. So Caroline is pissed at Julia for some reason and I got dragged into it. Caroline also convinced Emily to hate her so that's happening. Julia and I have been sticking together and are in a fight with Caroline and Emily. From the outside, it looks like nothing is wrong but if you get deeper you'd see that we've been in this fight for about 2 weeks now. In short, we're all in a fight but no one has noticed because we're eating lunch together. 

It seems that David and I are drifting. I have a theory it has to do with me spending more and more time with Julia. She's great company. Although, I do miss talking to David all the time. He's very sweet and makes me feel just a little bit better about myself. 

It makes me feel just the bit better. 

Very good news; my scars on my wrist have faded! I'm now able to wear whatever I want and not have to wear a jacket so yay! 

Bad news again. Julia and I got the chance to meet Bethany Mota (MacBarbie07) at the MOA but when we got there, there was already about 600 people ahead of us so we didn't get to meet her. The thing that really makes me upset is that we actually went there thinking we were going to get to meet her opposed to when I saw One Direction there two years ago and I actually knew I wasn't going to meet them. Oh well, can't do anything about it now. 

I think I'm done ranting now, so byeeeeee! 

Love always, 

Maddy Iverson

Chapter 9

Today was quite eventful. 

To start it off, I ended up crying on the bus. I had a mental breakdown and I spent half the time on the bus trying not the cry and the other half crying. Some girl was sitting next to me (I didn't know her) and I was listening to music when I had a sudden realisation that my friends are leaving me. Before I started crying, Lizzy gave me Louis back and I pretended to be happy. But after the girl and Julia left, Lilly came and sat next to me as I wiped away remaining tears. I don't know if she knew that I was crying or not but she asked me if I was okay so I'm assuming she knew. 

Emily and Julia haven't really talked to me for weeks and Caroline soon joined them. Lizzy seems to be spending a shit more time with Julia, making me even more alone. I feel like they've all left me. And I've never felt more alone in my life. 

Even at our choir concert I felt alone. It was the first day I actually wore a short sleeved shirt because the scars in my wrist are starting to fade enough to not notice them as easily when I put concealer on them. It doesn't help that I made a complete fool out of myself. 

I don't think I want to go on with this...I'm tired and feel like writing a poem. 

Love always, 

Maddy Iverson