Chapter 23

Words cannot describe how stressed I am. School has been so much homework. I'm trying my best with it, I really am, but it's so hard when all I'm used to is giving up. My grades are good though, I have two A's and a B but that's because there's barely any assignments in and teachers haven't done anything with the grade book.

I'm going to the doctor pretty soon here because I have to get my prescription dosage higher because it's not working as well as I want it to. I would give anything to not have depression and anxiety but that's not exactly something you can change. So, I'm taking pills for it in hope that they work.

Today is Tuesday, and my parents are leaving on Friday morning for Hawaii.

I left this post all week because I was crazy busy. It was a mix of work and preparing for them to leave. My dad made a mistake and left most of the shopping to Thursday night, making it even more stressful.

On Friday, James asked me to homecoming. The whole thing is still confusing to me, because of the way he did it. We were in Chemistry and I was talking to Lilly about the test we just took, no big deal. He was whisper-shouting at me from across the room and I ignored it but then I looked over and he was holding up a stuffed duck and a piece of paper. I couldn't read it because it was written in pencil so I just gave him a thumbs up since I thought it was about the duck.

James and his football friends starting cheering and whatnot and I get slightly confused. He comes up and asks me if I read the paper and whatever, I still can't remember what we said. But the paper said "HC?" on it. Yup. I said I was busy and stuff and then he somehow convinces me to say yes as we walk out of the classroom. THEN he like holds my hand and half hugs me (confusing, I know) and then walks away.

Later, Abbey asked him if he was taking his girlfriend to homecoming/if he was being serious earlier, he said no to the latter. He was being so serious earlier, and then he says that it was a joke. Maybe he said that because he didn't want Abbey to know, or he thought I didn't want Abbey to know. But part of me was disappointed he said no.

On Friday, I also mentioned where I worked, because Miller was sitting next to me. James said he was going to go in and say hi. Mostly, when people say that then they never do. But yesterday as I was working on drive, he came in. He said nothing about the homecoming thing but he was giving me a look.

Even if I wanted to go with him, I couldn't. Lizzy likes him and it's totally breaking the girl code. When I told her about it then she was totally jealous. I really want to say yes though. James is so cute and he's a football player and he's so nice and my heart is exploding. Most guys don't like me for who I actually am but he does.

Anyways, away from James... I went to an all night blitz with Treehouse on Friday night. It was fun, to say the least. I had a really good talk with Garret, hung out with Emily and Bekah for a long time. Actually talked to Gunnar in person for once, that was great. He remembered me from Facebook. This brought out two more guys that liked me for who I actually am. So far the list goes James, Garrett, Tyler, and Gunnar. Way more than it used to be.

Me and Bekah fell asleep while watching some movie and almost missed the bus home. That trip brought everyone closer and I'm so thankful for it. I can't wait for the one next year!

Me and Bekah snuck into the toddlers area at Grand Slam which was gated off, and it was the most fun I had in a long time. I felt like I belong with them, and that they were the friends I've wanted for so long.

 

I think that's it for now, so I'll continue watching How To Get Away With Murder while drinking pumpkin spice hot chocolate.

Love always,

Maddy

Chapter 22

I'm finally back onto my old writing schedule! Anyways, lets get right in because I still have psych homework to do and to take a shower and it's nearing 10 PM.

Needless to say, I am incredibly stressed out. Yesterday I was out and running around all day, going to target and Makenna's therapy appointment. We even stopped at Potbelly where I had the best sandwich I've ever had in my entire life. I'm going to list the order so I can remember it for future Potbelly visits.

Multigrain bread, turkey, swiss, mayo, lettuce, avocado.

So simple, but so beautiful.

Also, I'm going to admit something that happened the other night. I relapsed back into cutting and now my wrist is covered in scars, but I can (hopefully) cover it up with bracelets for work tomorrow. It's also on my thigh but no one can see those anyways. I was just feeling so terrible and stressed and depressed and it's been quite a while since I've felt that bad. Usually it just comes and goes and I'm fine but now I'm really craving a cigarette.

While I was on the bus a few days ago, I noticed David. Like sure, I've noticed him before but I've never really noticed him. Despite that fact that I know it will never happen, I've developed a teeny tiny crush on him. Even if he did like me, I would never date him. He deserves so much better.

Today I went to Treehouse, where Tyler hugged me 50 million times and basically acted like we were dating. To be honest, I kind of wish that we were but I want to lose weight before then so I can actually feel comfortable around him.

I hate my body. I'm way too big and my stomach and legs are hideous. I've never liked them, but that doesn't make a difference. I want to like them. I want my stomach to be somewhat flat, so that I don't have to hide it in large t-shirts and I can walk around in only a tank top. Or for my legs to be smaller so I can wear shorts and thigh-high socks without them looking terribly weird.

I would give anything to feel comfortable in my own skin.

Love always,

Maddy

Chapter 21

Wow, it's been over a year. Really sorry about that, but a lot of stuff was happening and I just completely forgot about this blog until now.

So now I'm going to (try to) start this back up again because, wow, I had a lot of fun reading back on it. However, it was slightly depressing. I had a dream and since then, that dream has died. I've given up on singing, I've realized that I will not move to London and live the life of someone in a book because lets be honest, my life is far from a book.

I'm at the start of my sophomore year of high school and freshman year really changed me.

When I got to high school, I was a prep. I had given up on the punk rock dreams of mine and focused on being a YouTube beauty guru (even though I never had a channel). I packed lunches for myself, tried to be healthy, dressed nicely, and tried to make a lot of friends.

It worked for a while, and then I saw Devon, who was your typical emo kid. Something about him fascinated me. He was in my history class and paid absolutely no attention to me because I wasn't in "his scene". Sometime in October, I looked up one of the bands he always wore, Asking Alexandria.

The music was alright, but it never really appealed to me that much. So I listened to a song on repeat until I did like it. Slowly, I started getting back into screamo music and started dressing more "punk rock".

He started to notice me, and I became friends with Abby, a friend of Lizzy's and Devon's. I admitted that I liked Devon and she helped me talk to him.

So we started talking slowly and then we started messaging on Facebook and on the third day of texting him, I walked home with him. It was a big deal, because he was the guy I liked and I was hanging out with him alone at his house.

Despite my wishes, nothing happened that night.

But we kept hanging out. One night, we watched a horror movie and because of my fascination with all things paranormal, I wasn't scared. We made fun of the movie and he tried to find my pulse and we spent a lot of time staring into each other's eyes. We didn't kiss that night.

But we eventually did, and then we eventually started making out and I ended up doing a thing called "titty fucking" which I don't want to talk about.

We broke up eventually but we still talked every now and then, but now I avoid him.

At some point this summer , I was walking home from work and Devon suggested we have sex because he was desperate and I was a virgin. He thought he'd be doing me a favor. I politely declined his offer because I didn't like him and he had a girlfriend. Now, I'm doing my best to avoid him which is working because we don't have any classes together (yay!).

Also this spring there was a guy named Andrew that I dated for a little bit but I'm not going to get into him because he was creepy and rude and flirted with everyone.

So now that I've described the most eventful thing, I 'm just gonna do a list of everything else that happened.

-got a cat (Mila)
-went to Warped Tour
-got a job at Culvers
-went on anti-depressants/anxiety
-dyed my hair red
-started going to Treehouse
And that's about it. I'm going to include some photos for your purpose but only briefly.

bryanstars

Love always,

Maddy

deefizzy

mila

saywecanfly

red hurr don't curr

jordan sweeto