Chapter 23

Words cannot describe how stressed I am. School has been so much homework. I'm trying my best with it, I really am, but it's so hard when all I'm used to is giving up. My grades are good though, I have two A's and a B but that's because there's barely any assignments in and teachers haven't done anything with the grade book.

I'm going to the doctor pretty soon here because I have to get my prescription dosage higher because it's not working as well as I want it to. I would give anything to not have depression and anxiety but that's not exactly something you can change. So, I'm taking pills for it in hope that they work.

Today is Tuesday, and my parents are leaving on Friday morning for Hawaii.

I left this post all week because I was crazy busy. It was a mix of work and preparing for them to leave. My dad made a mistake and left most of the shopping to Thursday night, making it even more stressful.

On Friday, James asked me to homecoming. The whole thing is still confusing to me, because of the way he did it. We were in Chemistry and I was talking to Lilly about the test we just took, no big deal. He was whisper-shouting at me from across the room and I ignored it but then I looked over and he was holding up a stuffed duck and a piece of paper. I couldn't read it because it was written in pencil so I just gave him a thumbs up since I thought it was about the duck.

James and his football friends starting cheering and whatnot and I get slightly confused. He comes up and asks me if I read the paper and whatever, I still can't remember what we said. But the paper said "HC?" on it. Yup. I said I was busy and stuff and then he somehow convinces me to say yes as we walk out of the classroom. THEN he like holds my hand and half hugs me (confusing, I know) and then walks away.

Later, Abbey asked him if he was taking his girlfriend to homecoming/if he was being serious earlier, he said no to the latter. He was being so serious earlier, and then he says that it was a joke. Maybe he said that because he didn't want Abbey to know, or he thought I didn't want Abbey to know. But part of me was disappointed he said no.

On Friday, I also mentioned where I worked, because Miller was sitting next to me. James said he was going to go in and say hi. Mostly, when people say that then they never do. But yesterday as I was working on drive, he came in. He said nothing about the homecoming thing but he was giving me a look.

Even if I wanted to go with him, I couldn't. Lizzy likes him and it's totally breaking the girl code. When I told her about it then she was totally jealous. I really want to say yes though. James is so cute and he's a football player and he's so nice and my heart is exploding. Most guys don't like me for who I actually am but he does.

Anyways, away from James... I went to an all night blitz with Treehouse on Friday night. It was fun, to say the least. I had a really good talk with Garret, hung out with Emily and Bekah for a long time. Actually talked to Gunnar in person for once, that was great. He remembered me from Facebook. This brought out two more guys that liked me for who I actually am. So far the list goes James, Garrett, Tyler, and Gunnar. Way more than it used to be.

Me and Bekah fell asleep while watching some movie and almost missed the bus home. That trip brought everyone closer and I'm so thankful for it. I can't wait for the one next year!

Me and Bekah snuck into the toddlers area at Grand Slam which was gated off, and it was the most fun I had in a long time. I felt like I belong with them, and that they were the friends I've wanted for so long.

 

I think that's it for now, so I'll continue watching How To Get Away With Murder while drinking pumpkin spice hot chocolate.

Love always,

Maddy

Chapter 20

It's only been a few days but I knew that if I didn't make a post now, I would forget. While reading Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe which I am still reading, Ari makes diary entries but instead of actually writing it out like this, it's a list. I'm thinking of doing that but then explaining them after the list. So here we go!

-Lizzy and I are friends again
-Julia stayed home from school
-I'm now punk rock
-Trying to be funny
-Going to a writing party on Saturday

Julia is sick, so she stayed home from school today. I felt very lost and out of place.Julia is like my anchor and she sorta guides me around. I'm not really friends with Caroline and Emily like Julia is, so I thought it was awkward to sit with them at lunch. I even considered ditching lunch and going to the bathroom, not eating anything. Or worrying about who I should sit with.

This brings me to the point before that. So earlier this morning, I decided I've had enough of it being awkward between Lizzy and I. So I told her that I want to be friends again and start talking again. That and I realised that it's sort of awkward only being close to Julia. So we've been talking all day (mostly about writing) and it's been pretty cool.

Today in advisory, I was talking to Madie and Caroline. Now, I don't really like Madie that much. She's kind of annoying and a goody-two-shoes. I really like Caroline. She's a really cool person and I kind of want to be like her. So Madie wrote a poem saying that I liked 1D and stuff. Caroline decided to write a poem about me. It went like this:

Maddy is the name
Being punk rock is the game
7:15 is the best
I sit at home and re-read it until it updates in my nest
Ashton Irwin is hot
You are not
My favorite color is black
I also enjoy snacks
Muke is my OTP
I've really gotta pee
I love Converse and Vans
Almost as much as I love bands
5 Seconds of Summer?
I like the drummer

Now what I really got out of that poem is that I'm punk rock. For a while, I've been doing my best to have a label. I really, really, really wanted to be punk rock because being punk rock is awesome! So the fact that Caroline said that I'm punk rock really made me believe it. I think that Caroline is punk rock too. She doesn't realise that we both have a lot in common, the punk rock thing included. Yet she likes Emily who's the complete opposite of us. I just really want to be good friends with Caroline.

For the past while, I've been doing my best to not only be punk rock, but funny. People like funny people and I don't' exactly categorise myself as funny. So I've also been trying to be funny and to get people to listen to me instead of talking over me and/or ignoring me completely. So far, I'm partially succeeding at the funny part but the second part is tough. I've been trying to note when other people talk and how they get noticed and doing that, but it isn't working. Maybe I just need to try harder.

Lizzy texted me while writing this so I decided to add it. She wants to have a "writing party" with the two of us. Our plan is to go to the mall Starbucks and sit there and write. She's going to bring her notebook and I'm going to bring my laptop since writing goes by a lot faster there. Plus, I don't have to type it all out later on. But since Rainbow Rowell and John Green sometimes write in coffee shops and it's proven that you're more productive in a coffee shop, I'm hoping to get a lot done. I don't know how long we'll be there but my goal is to have a chapter done. I still can't decide if I want to write When We Leave or I Still Love You but I'm thinking ISLY since she met Harry in the coffee shop. Yeah, definitely ISLY.

Love always,

Maddy Iverson