Basically I'm really bad at keeping blogs I guess. Today is May 31st and we have two days left of school after today. I'm writing this in english class while I'm supposed to be doing my work but whatever, that's okay. I need to write and I'm taking this back to New Years.
This year I decided to have a little New Years get together with Bekah, Hannah and Lizzy which was kind of a bad idea. Lizzy left in under an hour because she hates Hannah with a passion. But, Bekah had the idea to invite Nick and Dalton over, Dalton being Nick's best friend who was visiting from Eagan. My parents didn't have much of a problem with it.
As soon as Dalton walked in, I gotta admit I had a little crush on him. He was cute and funny and obviously close to Nick so he had to be important. We were kinda lowkey flirting throughout the night. We did the condom challenge and accidentally dropped a filled condom in my living room.
At midnight, I stole Dalton's first kiss. And before you think this is a love story, it's not. We haven't even talked about the kiss since. He also kissed Bekah and Hannah I think. I made out with Bekah and according to my sister, it was "hot". For some reason that I'm unaware of, me and Nick kissed. It was one step away from making out and I have to admit, I liked it. But Bekah didn't, she got incredibly jealous as she should.
In early February I met a boy named Sage, Well, I went to middle school with him but I never actually talked to him until then. We started snapchatting and flirting a shit ton. We'd hang out and just drive around until we got bored or had to go home.
Here's the thing about Sage, he's kind of a stoner. He's like the jock stoner guy that's incredibly cringe-worthy but that's what I liked at the time. Because of this, I smoked with him quite a few times. It was mostly out of an apple because he's a cheap shit but one time we smoked out a potato which was the weirdest smoking experience I've had.
I lost my virginity to Sage. Yep. I'm yelling at myself right now for it just because it was such a bad experience. I don't regret it, I'm kind of glad because it kind of eased me into my current boyfriend's size (yuck I can't believe I just typed that). We only "did it" twice and I broke up with him when I got back from Vegas.
But before that....
For a while I was extremely mad at Nick. I would try snapchatting him or texting him and he'd open and never respond. It really pissed me off. I called him out on it and he said that he'd explain it in person, but not in school. We made plans to talk about it at his house. I think it was March 22nd that this happened.
We talked about why he was ignoring me and he blamed it on his medication, and then he explained why he was unhappy with Bekah. At this point, he was considering breaking up with her. She was a handful and filled with drama; she wasn't pleasing him sexually either. As he described, she was "gross" in bed, whatever that means.
When we were done talking, we were just chilling on his couch and cuddling. It was kind of normal for us...we've cuddled before but then Nick started moving his hand along my hip. I was starting to get a vibe that he liked me and was making a move. My vibe was right and he kissed me, after asking if it was okay. One thing led to another and we made love that night. Yes, love. I always loved him. Everyone knew it but me in that moment.
Except, I was still dating Sage, and he was still dating Bekah, one of my best friends at the time. We didn't know what to do about it, but we started talking more. The day before spring break, Nick broke up with Bekah and told her the truth. I almost did the same, I broke up with Sage and told him I liked someone else. He tried to fight for me, but I knew what I wanted.
I spent most of spring break at Nick's house. A few of my friends turned on me because of what I did. Justin and Emily Schnur mostly, I don't think there was anyone else. Everyone was pretty chill about it after a week or so, it just took them time to adjust. Hell, even Bekah talked to me after this.
And now, two months later, me and Nick are together. We went to Duluth together and he met my brother which was a big deal to me. It was still pretty early in our relationship so we were still in our honeymoon phase. My mom was nice enough to let us sleep in the same bed. It was an amazing trip.
I'm gonna fast forward to today. There's two more days of school and finals have already corrupted us. Tonight, me and Nick are going to the Pvris concert which is a big thing. I've never gone to a concert alone and this is the first one we'll do so. I'm hella excited for it.
I've been completely sober for the past three days; I'm going through withdrawal symptoms.
Today is Thursday, it's the last day of school. Literally as soon as I got home I took a three hour nap which was much needed. I've still been sober, and it feels like shit. Mentally I'm not in the best place, not even close.
Last night I had a complete mental breakdown and I couldn't get ahold of Nick. I talked to Dalton for a bit but then hung up quickly once my brother came out to the car. I relapsed and smoked a few cigarettes, which is how I've been compensating for the lack of weed in my system. It's really no better but I need something.
Anyways, I think I'm just gonna leave this here. I'm gonna try to write more over the summer but no promises.
Love always,
Maddy
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