Chapter 28

Basically, I'm going through a hard time. For 3 months (end of July to end of October) I dated a boy named Aaron. He was the only boy I've ever loved, which is weird because I dated Nick longer. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to date Aaron longer. A lot longer. This was the first time I could see a future with a boy and now I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

He broke up with me because I was too clingy, because I wanted a text from him every couple of hours. While he was at a convention during my birthday (the most stressful time of the year), he ignored me for 6 hours and then said he didn't even want to talk to me all weekend. We had a little fight but I thought we made up and it was good.

Fights in a relationship does not mean a relationship is toxic.

But that's what he thought. The first time I saw him after he came back, he broke up with me. He cried while he was doing it, as he did the two other times too, but that's a different story. I didn't shed a tear. I still haven't shed a tear and it's been about 3-4 days.

So my plan is to sleep with Danker. Here's why:
1) help me get over Aaron
2) help him get over Megan
3) so Aaron can find out and get super mad or upset, I'm okay with either.

This breakup really fucked me up though. Aaron was also my best friend. I smoked with him, I hung out with him all the time, I texted him all the time. I'm trying to repress that part though and just find new people to hang out with.

Recently I've been hanging around Allen and Devon more surprisingly. I never thought me and Devon would be hanging out again but we did once and we just vibed together and I enjoyed spending time with him. He wanted me to go to Lions Tap with him and his mom but I declined. I need to be skinny again.

I came back to finish this a couple of days later, and I've completed my plan with Danker. I went to his house the other night and yeah, it happened. Me, a 17 year old girl, slept with a 21 year old. Who would've thought.

It's been a week since I've lost Aaron, and I still haven't cried. I feel kinda numb, but it's not terrible. Besides, I'd rather be numb than depressed as shit. I've been hanging out with a lot more people which is really nice. I think that's the part of me that's an extrovert; I need people to keep me going. If I don't have anything to think about I'm gonna think about Aaron, and then I'll get upset.

But like I said, I haven't cried so I'm obviously doing better than I could've been. I hate that I have to deal with this.

navy blue - the story so far

Maddy

Chapter 27

Basically I'm really bad at keeping blogs I guess. Today is May 31st and we have two days left of school after today. I'm writing this in english class while I'm supposed to be doing my work but whatever, that's okay. I need to write and I'm taking this back to New Years.

This year I decided to have a little New Years get together with Bekah, Hannah and Lizzy which was kind of a bad idea. Lizzy left in under an hour because she hates Hannah with a passion. But, Bekah had the idea to invite Nick and Dalton over, Dalton being Nick's best friend who was visiting from Eagan. My parents didn't have much of a problem with it.

As soon as Dalton walked in, I gotta admit I had a little crush on him. He was cute and funny and obviously close to Nick so he had to be important. We were kinda lowkey flirting throughout the night. We did the condom challenge and accidentally dropped a filled condom in my living room.

At midnight, I stole Dalton's first kiss. And before you think this is a love story, it's not. We haven't even talked about the kiss since. He also kissed Bekah and Hannah I think. I made out with Bekah and according to my sister, it was "hot". For some reason that I'm unaware of, me and Nick kissed. It was one step away from making out and I have to admit, I liked it. But Bekah didn't, she got incredibly jealous as she should.

In early February I met a boy named Sage, Well, I went to middle school with him but I never actually talked to him until then. We started snapchatting and flirting a shit ton. We'd hang out and just drive around until we got bored or had to go home.

Here's the thing about Sage, he's kind of a stoner. He's like the jock stoner guy that's incredibly cringe-worthy but that's what I liked at the time. Because of this, I smoked with him quite a few times. It was mostly out of an apple because he's a cheap shit but one time we smoked out a potato which was the weirdest smoking experience I've had.

I lost my virginity to Sage. Yep. I'm yelling at myself right now for it just because it was such a bad experience. I don't regret it, I'm kind of glad because it kind of eased me into my current boyfriend's size (yuck I can't believe I just typed that). We only "did it" twice and I broke up with him when I got back from Vegas.

But before that....

For a while I was extremely mad at Nick. I would try snapchatting him or texting him and he'd open and never respond. It really pissed me off. I called him out on it and he said that he'd explain it in person, but not in school. We made plans to talk about it at his house. I think it was March 22nd that this happened.

We talked about why he was ignoring me and he blamed it on his medication, and then he explained why he was unhappy with Bekah. At this point, he was considering breaking up with her. She was a handful and filled with drama; she wasn't pleasing him sexually either. As he described, she was "gross" in bed, whatever that means.

When we were done talking, we were just chilling on his couch and cuddling. It was kind of normal for us...we've cuddled before but then Nick started moving his hand along my hip. I was starting to get a vibe that he liked me and was making a move. My vibe was right and he kissed me, after asking if it was okay. One thing led to another and we made love that night. Yes, love. I always loved him. Everyone knew it but me in that moment.

Except, I was still dating Sage, and he was still dating Bekah, one of my best friends at the time. We didn't know what to do about it, but we started talking more. The day before spring break, Nick broke up with Bekah and told her the truth. I almost did the same, I broke up with Sage and told him I liked someone else. He tried to fight for me, but I knew what I wanted.

I spent most of spring break at Nick's house. A few of my friends turned on me because of what I did. Justin and Emily Schnur mostly, I don't think there was anyone else. Everyone was pretty chill about it after a week or so, it just took them time to adjust. Hell, even Bekah talked to me after this.

And now, two months later, me and Nick are together. We went to Duluth together and he met my brother which was a big deal to me. It was still pretty early in our relationship so we were still in our honeymoon phase. My mom was nice enough to let us sleep in the same bed. It was an amazing trip.

I'm gonna fast forward to today. There's two more days of school and finals have already corrupted us. Tonight, me and Nick are going to the Pvris concert which is a big thing. I've never gone to a concert alone and this is the first one we'll do so. I'm hella excited for it.

I've been completely sober for the past three days; I'm going through withdrawal symptoms.

Today is Thursday, it's the last day of school. Literally as soon as I got home I took a three hour nap which was much needed. I've still been sober, and it feels like shit. Mentally I'm not in the best place, not even close.

Last night I had a complete mental breakdown and I couldn't get ahold of Nick. I talked to Dalton for a bit but then hung up quickly once my brother came out to the car. I relapsed and smoked a few cigarettes, which is how I've been compensating for the lack of weed in my system. It's really no better but I need something.

Anyways, I think I'm just gonna leave this here. I'm gonna try to write more over the summer but no promises.

Love always,

Maddy

Chapter 26

It's December.

My mother is looking at apartments, mostly three bedrooms but also two bedrooms, if she's desperate enough. She really wants to divorce my dad and I'm not sure if I'm happy about it or not. Like I want her to be happy, but we'd literally have no money left. Dad would have to buy everything for us and I would actually have to use my work money to buy myself clothes and such.

The apartment she found has two bedroom, two bathrooms, and allows two animals. We would bring Lucy and Mila. Maxx would stay with Dad wherever he would end up. It's also walking distance to all of my friend's houses basically, which is always nice. That would make it a lot easier to actually see my friends.

Last night, I talked about the apartment and the divorce in support group at Treehouse. It's kind of a big thing for me because I've only talked at Treehouse once, and the last time I did, it was over something completely stupid. Okay, not completely, but it wasn't important enough.

This however, was important. Everyone there could relate to either the divorce or Diane's death, which is what I talked about. I took up the whole time, sparing a few minutes for Garrett. But I think everyone knew that when I open up about things, it's usually serious. As I was getting support, I felt myself growing closer to everyone in that room. Including Taylor, Garrett, David, Nick, Maria, and Leticia. I haven't really talked to any of them except for Garrett and Nick. Like I've talked to David but not a lot, and I haven't gotten real with him.

The support I got helped me I think, I'm not sure. I just know I feel better having talked about it to anyone besides my mother. Lizzy doesn't even know.

Me and James are over, we're barely friends and I'm alright with it I guess. It's been about a week since it's all happened so I'm basically over it. As long as he's happy. And I can always find someone else, I think I'm somewhat attractive, but I'm not sure anymore.

I know that Tyler likes me, and that I'm kind of taking advantage of him. At the Halloween party, I was lonely and basically I was cuddling with him. When he asked me out on a date, I said yes, because I didn't know what else to say. He gave me his sweatshirt, because I was cold, and wrapped his arms around me. It really felt nice, I think.

Last Tuesday (Nov. 24) he went to Treehouse and for a while he was holding my hand then rubbing my back when we hugged and shit and I don't know if I like him or the attention he was giving me. It's been a little while since I've felt that kind of warmth from another person.

Right now, I don't even know if I want a relationship. I want what Bekah and Nick have. Oh by the way, they've had sex like four times now. Yep, my two best friends are having sex with each other and here I am all by myself, unfortunately. I want someone to love me the way Nick loves Bekah. I want the long hugs and spontaneous kisses. I want the trust you have to have to lose your virginity to them. They have that and I don't and it really sucks.

Anyways, I hung out with Hannah on Monday after my dentist appointment. We walked to Coopers and got Oreos, Peace Tea, and whipped cream. When we got back we watched Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List which was surprisingly a good movie, despite the fact it's totally stereotypical.

I can't believe I'm going back to this again but my life is starting to feel like The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I think it's because I actually have friends this year and there's actually drama and things happening and I'm actually getting close to people again. It feels really nice. I've missed having more than one friend to text and talk to on a daily basis.

The similarities of my life with Perks is making me want to watch the movie, really badly. I need to watch it soon, like maybe this weekend. I was supposed to watch it on Saturday with Tyler but something happened.

Friday night, I got really upset with my sister and I ended up running away basically. All I took was my phone, headphones, and my pennyboard. I left at 12:30 AM and only Matthew came to look for me, until I made him go back inside. With nowhere else to go, I went to Lizzy's house because I definitely didn't want to go home.

When I got back the next morning I got grounded and never ended up going to Tyler's, which he understood but I'm kind of disappointed. Hopefully we can do it this weekend but both of our schedules don't overlap very well and it takes effort from both sides.

This post is long enough, I'll end it here.

Love always,

Maddy

Chapter 25

Diane died. October 10, 2015 at 2:50 pm her heart stopped beating. I was told before I had gone to work that Saturday and throughout the rest of the day, I just felt numb. It still doesn't feel like she's gone. I was going to see how much and how well I slept that night but I didn't find any data so I think I slept in my moms bed.

The funeral was Oct. 15th. I had a behind the wheel right before that so I was rushing to the funeral. There was so many fucking people which was another reminder that she was too young. Of course, I was introduced to so many people and all of them felt bad for me and tried to make up for it by calling me pretty.

I had to sneak off to calm myself down about 20 times but I only cried half the time. The speeches were the worst because it made you remember Diane; I couldn't push it away anymore.

After the funeral, we went out for dinner since we were all hungry and we needed some time to cool down. I got hot chocolate and a caesar salad. Weird mixture but both were great.

 

Anyways, it's been a really hard time for me and the rest of my family. Losing someone close to you is possibly the hardest thing anyone will have to go through. I don't wish this feeling upon anyone. We got to say goodbye but not to her conscious self. We said goodbye to the body in the hospital bed, connected to a million tubes and wires all at once. 

It's been so hard to keep up with homework when filled with feelings of despair.  I don't want to end up in the same place I was last year, but it's been so hard. I keep David's words in my head to keep trying and what I think is trying isn't all that I'm capable of. If I miss one assignment, I just keep missing more and more.

Tomorrow is my 16th birthday. Because of my childhood dreams, I feel like it's a bit of a disappointment. I've always dreamed of this huge party with a DJ and at a sick club with a thousand people. I have way more friends than I used to but I don't think a lot of them would go to a party, and I don't think I want them to go anyways. 

Love always,

 Maddy Iverson

Chapter 24

Last week on Wednesday, my aunt went into cardiac arrest. This was a shock because a) she had doctors checking up on her a lot more and b) no one was expecting it, she's healthy. Luckily, she was already at the hospital because of her chemo and an ER doctor was passing by. My cousin says he was a guardian angel.

Two doctors were performing CPR on her for 45 minutes, which I later found out was a long time. Doctors usually stopped around 20 minutes. But for some reason, they kept going. It was for the best. They got her alive and to the ER, hooked up to a million machines and put her into a coma to keep her alive and stable.

There was so much hope for her because she was doing so well. They found some blood clots in her lungs, so they gave her some kind of medicine to break it down and make the blood run thinner. It did that to an extent. The medicine made about three blood clots go to her brain. Now there's a huge one in her frontal lobe and about half of her frontal lobe is liquid.

Even if she did wake up, she wouldn't be able to eat or do other simple tasks. She wouldn't be happy. So they took her off the medicine that's keeping her in the coma and everyone's waiting to see if she wakes up or if she dies.

We're already talking about her in past tense, as if she was dead. But she basically is. My mom went to her house looking for her will, which she didn't find, and anything else that would have been useful for the doctors and figuring out who gets what. Mom also found her diary, which held one entry. It was the day that we shaved her head, and it was a tragic day. She was a beautiful writer, though. The type of writer I hope that I turn out like.

Diane is basically dead. When we went to the hospital on Thursday, she had so many machines hooked up to her and she was only 33 degrees Celsius. I held her hand and tried not to cry while everyone else was talking about where she was at heath wise. It was just so hard to have to witness something like that. Death. It's everywhere. You can't hide from it. Nobody should have to go through it and I wish I could hide it from my kids, but I couldn't do it.

Anyways, I think that's it. I'm way too sad to talk about anything else and I just want to escape reality by playing Sims.

Love always,

Maddy

Chapter 23

Words cannot describe how stressed I am. School has been so much homework. I'm trying my best with it, I really am, but it's so hard when all I'm used to is giving up. My grades are good though, I have two A's and a B but that's because there's barely any assignments in and teachers haven't done anything with the grade book.

I'm going to the doctor pretty soon here because I have to get my prescription dosage higher because it's not working as well as I want it to. I would give anything to not have depression and anxiety but that's not exactly something you can change. So, I'm taking pills for it in hope that they work.

Today is Tuesday, and my parents are leaving on Friday morning for Hawaii.

I left this post all week because I was crazy busy. It was a mix of work and preparing for them to leave. My dad made a mistake and left most of the shopping to Thursday night, making it even more stressful.

On Friday, James asked me to homecoming. The whole thing is still confusing to me, because of the way he did it. We were in Chemistry and I was talking to Lilly about the test we just took, no big deal. He was whisper-shouting at me from across the room and I ignored it but then I looked over and he was holding up a stuffed duck and a piece of paper. I couldn't read it because it was written in pencil so I just gave him a thumbs up since I thought it was about the duck.

James and his football friends starting cheering and whatnot and I get slightly confused. He comes up and asks me if I read the paper and whatever, I still can't remember what we said. But the paper said "HC?" on it. Yup. I said I was busy and stuff and then he somehow convinces me to say yes as we walk out of the classroom. THEN he like holds my hand and half hugs me (confusing, I know) and then walks away.

Later, Abbey asked him if he was taking his girlfriend to homecoming/if he was being serious earlier, he said no to the latter. He was being so serious earlier, and then he says that it was a joke. Maybe he said that because he didn't want Abbey to know, or he thought I didn't want Abbey to know. But part of me was disappointed he said no.

On Friday, I also mentioned where I worked, because Miller was sitting next to me. James said he was going to go in and say hi. Mostly, when people say that then they never do. But yesterday as I was working on drive, he came in. He said nothing about the homecoming thing but he was giving me a look.

Even if I wanted to go with him, I couldn't. Lizzy likes him and it's totally breaking the girl code. When I told her about it then she was totally jealous. I really want to say yes though. James is so cute and he's a football player and he's so nice and my heart is exploding. Most guys don't like me for who I actually am but he does.

Anyways, away from James... I went to an all night blitz with Treehouse on Friday night. It was fun, to say the least. I had a really good talk with Garret, hung out with Emily and Bekah for a long time. Actually talked to Gunnar in person for once, that was great. He remembered me from Facebook. This brought out two more guys that liked me for who I actually am. So far the list goes James, Garrett, Tyler, and Gunnar. Way more than it used to be.

Me and Bekah fell asleep while watching some movie and almost missed the bus home. That trip brought everyone closer and I'm so thankful for it. I can't wait for the one next year!

Me and Bekah snuck into the toddlers area at Grand Slam which was gated off, and it was the most fun I had in a long time. I felt like I belong with them, and that they were the friends I've wanted for so long.

 

I think that's it for now, so I'll continue watching How To Get Away With Murder while drinking pumpkin spice hot chocolate.

Love always,

Maddy

Chapter 22

I'm finally back onto my old writing schedule! Anyways, lets get right in because I still have psych homework to do and to take a shower and it's nearing 10 PM.

Needless to say, I am incredibly stressed out. Yesterday I was out and running around all day, going to target and Makenna's therapy appointment. We even stopped at Potbelly where I had the best sandwich I've ever had in my entire life. I'm going to list the order so I can remember it for future Potbelly visits.

Multigrain bread, turkey, swiss, mayo, lettuce, avocado.

So simple, but so beautiful.

Also, I'm going to admit something that happened the other night. I relapsed back into cutting and now my wrist is covered in scars, but I can (hopefully) cover it up with bracelets for work tomorrow. It's also on my thigh but no one can see those anyways. I was just feeling so terrible and stressed and depressed and it's been quite a while since I've felt that bad. Usually it just comes and goes and I'm fine but now I'm really craving a cigarette.

While I was on the bus a few days ago, I noticed David. Like sure, I've noticed him before but I've never really noticed him. Despite that fact that I know it will never happen, I've developed a teeny tiny crush on him. Even if he did like me, I would never date him. He deserves so much better.

Today I went to Treehouse, where Tyler hugged me 50 million times and basically acted like we were dating. To be honest, I kind of wish that we were but I want to lose weight before then so I can actually feel comfortable around him.

I hate my body. I'm way too big and my stomach and legs are hideous. I've never liked them, but that doesn't make a difference. I want to like them. I want my stomach to be somewhat flat, so that I don't have to hide it in large t-shirts and I can walk around in only a tank top. Or for my legs to be smaller so I can wear shorts and thigh-high socks without them looking terribly weird.

I would give anything to feel comfortable in my own skin.

Love always,

Maddy

Chapter 21

Wow, it's been over a year. Really sorry about that, but a lot of stuff was happening and I just completely forgot about this blog until now.

So now I'm going to (try to) start this back up again because, wow, I had a lot of fun reading back on it. However, it was slightly depressing. I had a dream and since then, that dream has died. I've given up on singing, I've realized that I will not move to London and live the life of someone in a book because lets be honest, my life is far from a book.

I'm at the start of my sophomore year of high school and freshman year really changed me.

When I got to high school, I was a prep. I had given up on the punk rock dreams of mine and focused on being a YouTube beauty guru (even though I never had a channel). I packed lunches for myself, tried to be healthy, dressed nicely, and tried to make a lot of friends.

It worked for a while, and then I saw Devon, who was your typical emo kid. Something about him fascinated me. He was in my history class and paid absolutely no attention to me because I wasn't in "his scene". Sometime in October, I looked up one of the bands he always wore, Asking Alexandria.

The music was alright, but it never really appealed to me that much. So I listened to a song on repeat until I did like it. Slowly, I started getting back into screamo music and started dressing more "punk rock".

He started to notice me, and I became friends with Abby, a friend of Lizzy's and Devon's. I admitted that I liked Devon and she helped me talk to him.

So we started talking slowly and then we started messaging on Facebook and on the third day of texting him, I walked home with him. It was a big deal, because he was the guy I liked and I was hanging out with him alone at his house.

Despite my wishes, nothing happened that night.

But we kept hanging out. One night, we watched a horror movie and because of my fascination with all things paranormal, I wasn't scared. We made fun of the movie and he tried to find my pulse and we spent a lot of time staring into each other's eyes. We didn't kiss that night.

But we eventually did, and then we eventually started making out and I ended up doing a thing called "titty fucking" which I don't want to talk about.

We broke up eventually but we still talked every now and then, but now I avoid him.

At some point this summer , I was walking home from work and Devon suggested we have sex because he was desperate and I was a virgin. He thought he'd be doing me a favor. I politely declined his offer because I didn't like him and he had a girlfriend. Now, I'm doing my best to avoid him which is working because we don't have any classes together (yay!).

Also this spring there was a guy named Andrew that I dated for a little bit but I'm not going to get into him because he was creepy and rude and flirted with everyone.

So now that I've described the most eventful thing, I 'm just gonna do a list of everything else that happened.

-got a cat (Mila)
-went to Warped Tour
-got a job at Culvers
-went on anti-depressants/anxiety
-dyed my hair red
-started going to Treehouse
And that's about it. I'm going to include some photos for your purpose but only briefly.

bryanstars

Love always,

Maddy

deefizzy

mila

saywecanfly

red hurr don't curr

jordan sweeto

Chapter 20

It's only been a few days but I knew that if I didn't make a post now, I would forget. While reading Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe which I am still reading, Ari makes diary entries but instead of actually writing it out like this, it's a list. I'm thinking of doing that but then explaining them after the list. So here we go!

-Lizzy and I are friends again
-Julia stayed home from school
-I'm now punk rock
-Trying to be funny
-Going to a writing party on Saturday

Julia is sick, so she stayed home from school today. I felt very lost and out of place.Julia is like my anchor and she sorta guides me around. I'm not really friends with Caroline and Emily like Julia is, so I thought it was awkward to sit with them at lunch. I even considered ditching lunch and going to the bathroom, not eating anything. Or worrying about who I should sit with.

This brings me to the point before that. So earlier this morning, I decided I've had enough of it being awkward between Lizzy and I. So I told her that I want to be friends again and start talking again. That and I realised that it's sort of awkward only being close to Julia. So we've been talking all day (mostly about writing) and it's been pretty cool.

Today in advisory, I was talking to Madie and Caroline. Now, I don't really like Madie that much. She's kind of annoying and a goody-two-shoes. I really like Caroline. She's a really cool person and I kind of want to be like her. So Madie wrote a poem saying that I liked 1D and stuff. Caroline decided to write a poem about me. It went like this:

Maddy is the name
Being punk rock is the game
7:15 is the best
I sit at home and re-read it until it updates in my nest
Ashton Irwin is hot
You are not
My favorite color is black
I also enjoy snacks
Muke is my OTP
I've really gotta pee
I love Converse and Vans
Almost as much as I love bands
5 Seconds of Summer?
I like the drummer

Now what I really got out of that poem is that I'm punk rock. For a while, I've been doing my best to have a label. I really, really, really wanted to be punk rock because being punk rock is awesome! So the fact that Caroline said that I'm punk rock really made me believe it. I think that Caroline is punk rock too. She doesn't realise that we both have a lot in common, the punk rock thing included. Yet she likes Emily who's the complete opposite of us. I just really want to be good friends with Caroline.

For the past while, I've been doing my best to not only be punk rock, but funny. People like funny people and I don't' exactly categorise myself as funny. So I've also been trying to be funny and to get people to listen to me instead of talking over me and/or ignoring me completely. So far, I'm partially succeeding at the funny part but the second part is tough. I've been trying to note when other people talk and how they get noticed and doing that, but it isn't working. Maybe I just need to try harder.

Lizzy texted me while writing this so I decided to add it. She wants to have a "writing party" with the two of us. Our plan is to go to the mall Starbucks and sit there and write. She's going to bring her notebook and I'm going to bring my laptop since writing goes by a lot faster there. Plus, I don't have to type it all out later on. But since Rainbow Rowell and John Green sometimes write in coffee shops and it's proven that you're more productive in a coffee shop, I'm hoping to get a lot done. I don't know how long we'll be there but my goal is to have a chapter done. I still can't decide if I want to write When We Leave or I Still Love You but I'm thinking ISLY since she met Harry in the coffee shop. Yeah, definitely ISLY.

Love always,

Maddy Iverson

Chapter 19

It's been about 3 months. So here's a list of what's been going on in my life in no particular order. 

-I told David I liked him. He said he was sorry. We didn't talk for a week then we started talking like nothing happened. 

-I stopped being friends with Lizzy again 

-Lizzy told her mom that Julia and I are bullying her. Lizzy went to the school counselor and said that I'm her main problem in her life when she's causing her own problems and we haven't talked to her in a while so we never bullied her 

-I started writing a Harry Styles AU called I Still Love You

-I started planning my NaNoWriMo story. It's about a girl named Preston 

-I've been writing When We Leave 

-I haven't been eating 

-I've started editing Abused 

-Lizzy and I finished The English Teacher. We edited 2 paragraphs before I went on a rage quit and stopped 

-I've been getting closer to Julia, Emily and Caroline 

-I got my braces off. Here's a picture from about 2 months ago 

-I got a stuffed animal from my aunt. It's a cat. It's name is Mattie and it's a boy. My dogs are jealous of it 

-I made a dream catcher. Here's a picture 

-I might be getting a job at Valley Fair (amusement park)  this summer 

-I've been "wiring myself up" to listen to music in class 

And I think that's it. 

Love always, 

Maddy Iverson

Chapter 18

Things have been getting worse. February is always my bad month; the month I get depressed and things start going downhill. So far, it's happening again. 

Julia and I haven't spoken much. She's always blabbing on about Emily. No seriously. She's always like "Emily did this..." Or "Emily said this..." And it's annoying. Not only that but I also haven't been spending time with her. My anxiety isn't helping with any of this either. It's making it all so much worse. When my anxiety gets that bad, so does my depression. Julia hasn't been riding the bus so I get to sit there and listen to depressing music just like last year. 

Last night, I went ice skating with my sister (Makenna) and her friend Makenzie.  It was about 7 at night and completely dark out so I wasn't feeling very safe. To make things worse, they decided they wanted to go and drag a guy to the ice rink. He already said he didn't want to go and that he just got home from hockey practice but they still tried to get him to come. We walked through the dark neighborhood alone and no one was out there. I ended up having a minor panic attack because I thought we were going to get kidnapped or something. So I called my mother and asked her to come pick us up but didn't tell them that I did that. She showed up a few minutes later and I was so relieved and felt so much better. We went back to the ice rink so they could get their skates and they ended up skating even more whole Mom and me talked in the car. I cried a little bit and we joked around before heading back home. 

Speaking of Mom, she bought me diet pills a few days ago. I asked her to buy them though, so it wasn't an insult. So far I've been doing good with them and I'm hoping they'll help. They need to. If I don't lose 20 pounds by summer I'm going to have a terrible summer and school year. So let's hope they work out well! 

Lizzy dyed her hair red. Like a bright red. It doesn't look good at all and it probably damaged her hair so badly. She didn't bleach it before she dyed it so she probably had to dye it over and over again. On Friday, she wore a white shirt and Rachel King said that she looked like a tampon. Rachel is a really nice person so I don't actually think she said it, but it is hilarious. Lizzy actually does look like a bloody tampon with her hair like that and I hope it fades soon. 

Love always, 

Maddy Iverson

Chapter 17

You know when people say that girls never forget what you say to them? It's the truth. If you say something rude to a girl, she'll remember it forever. Even if you say something nice she'll remember it. 

A few days ago, Chris called me fat. It was around my friends so I couldn't react how I wanted to. All I said was "he's a douche" and then my friends joked about him and I put on that perfect little fake smile to get myself through. That whole time I was thinking about how I agreed with him. I didn't eat for the rest of the day. Not even an apple. Ever since, I haven't been able to forget about what he said. It's been in my head all day and reminding me not to eat because I'm such a fat ass. 

There's this guy on American Idol named Ethan Harris. He's my absolute favourite on the show and he followed me on Twitter and talked to me a bit. Ava and Julia also like him so we made his fandom name the Ethaners because why not? Here's some things he's said to me:

So yeah, he's a sweet guy and I just have a feeling he's going to make it far. I've already bought his album, that's how much I like him. 

I'm talking to Rose and Clark again. Rose doesn't know that no one has really spoke to Clark in a while so she decided to make a group chat consisting of me, Clark, Becky, Randy and of course, her. Randy never talks on it but Becky, Rose and I talk a lot. Clark likes to jump in every once in a while which is a step up from not speaking at all for months on end. I really missed Clark, he's one of my favourite people in the world and it hurt so much when he wouldn't talk to me. 

Love always, 

Maddy Iverson. 

Chapter 16

Right now I'm procrastinating writing chapter 31 of Abused. I just can't right and I need to get it done because I uploaded a chapter last night and I need the next one done! 

Anyways, today is Monday and I didn't have school.  Yay for American holidays! So yesterday I spent the whole day listening to Fangirl and watching This Is Us since I just got it at Target. It was a very relaxing day and I wish I could have another day like that one. I was absolutely carefree and I felt really good about the day. 

On Saturday, Julia came to my house for the first time. We attempted watching The Perks Of Being a Wallflower but my family interrupted and we went to her house. We are some pizza and played Minecraft for a while before we watched a few scenes from Rocky Horror. That was fun too. 

January is passing quickly. Last January I kinda went through this stage where I wouldn't talk to anyone at all and it lasted a long time. While this January I'm trying to have fun and it's working. Just like they say, time passes fast when you're having fun. I only have a few more months left, I think I can get through it and then I'm in high school. 

Love always, 

Maddy Iverson

Chapter 15

My problem with these is that I keep telling myself to do them and then I forget so I forget for quite a while. I need to work on that. 

So today I skipped school. Nothing interesting came from it except getting to sleep longer and being home alone for a few hours. It was fun though. I read for a while and planned some of my new story. Hell, I even named it today. It took a while but I finally chose What We Had because I'm going to kill off the main guy in the end like John Green. Oops? 

I still haven't spoken to Lizzy. She's being a bitch to Julia about it and keeps asking her to give her homework over so she can copy it. Although Lizzy got a few assignments from Julia, she's failing a few classes and the others are soon-to-be failing classes. Not only that but she also has this friend Rachel that's apparently a girlfriend. Lizzy's known her for a few months and they're already planning on Lizzy going to Manchester (Rachel lives there) so they can meet up. But I have a feeling Rachel isn't who Lizzy thinks she is. 

Julia and I have been getting closer. We're constantly texting and hanging out mostly on the weekends. I can remember when I started this, I didn't like her but now I do. On Saturday we went to the mall and before that I would just go over to her house and we would talk for hours and play Minecraft. Doing all of this with her is making me feel like a normal teenager and not who I was a year ago let alone months ago. 

Makenna is reading a lot too. She seems to think that reading is the only thing that matters when in reality, she should be doing her homework. I know she has it but as soon as she got home she started reading and hasn't stopped since. Literally. She didn't even eat dinner or take a shower. 

Speaking of books, I got 100,000 reads on Abused! I started crying when I saw it and screamed because I never expected this. When I started writing it, I thought i would get a hundred reads or so but 100,000?! That's absolutely incredible and seriously a dream come true. I had always dreamed of getting 100,000 and now I have accomplished it. It's an indescribable feeling. 

Love always,

Maddy Iverson. 

Chapter 14

I'm only doing this entry so early so I don't forget. But hey, it's still an entry. 

So I've finally gotten one of my books! It's the only one that has come so far and it's called Voluntary Madness: My Year Lost and Found in the Loony Bin and I haven't started it yet but I know it's going to be good. I'm saying that it's research for a book I'll be writing but I don't know if I'll actually be writing the book. I'm planning on writing it (if I do) during November for NaNoWriMo but as I said before, I don't know yet. 

I still haven't talked to Lizzy. She keeps asking Julia about me and stuff which is annoying both her and me. Honestly, I don't want to talk to her. It wasn't just the fact that she assumed that but she assumed it without knowing anything about my life which pissed me off. She doesn't know that I'm starving myself every night, how I slit my wrist or even about my inner demons. She doesn't know about my schizophrenia or anxiety. She knows absolutely nothing about me yet she goes and says "I bet my life is ten times worse than yours" when she knows nothing about me. 

So not only is it awkward during lunch when Julia has to sit in the space between us but during Maths when I sit in the aisle seat and next to Lizzy. I think our teacher has noticed too because we're usually talking a lot and it's been toe days of that class (because of winter break) and I've been absolutely silent except when she asks me a question. 

Unlike last year, I'm actually keeping up with my homework and keeping my grades up. I have all A's and B's except for two classes. Science because I did bad on a test so getting in more assignments will raise it and then English. Only now have I found out that I'm missing a worksheet so I'm going to get that done and turn it in. That's actually a huge improvement from last year since I had about 6 missing assignments from each class and was basically failing everything. It makes me happy that I'm not in that place anymore. 

To improve my English and writing skills, I've decided to start editing peoples stories. So I put a post on an editor thread on Wattpad and got a ton of responses. Sadly, I'm not able to do them all but I have a few that I'm doing to help with that. Not only am I helping myself, but I'm helping other people. Whether it's the hundreds of people reading it, thankful to the correct grammar or the person writing it. It makes me happier as well. 

So I think that's it. I'll try not to forget another post like I did last time but I can't make any promises!

Love always,

Maddy Iverson 

Chapter 13

Nice to see you again! I know it's not the 26th but oh well, I'm still writing this. 

For Christmas I didn't get much. Only the Lady Gaga perfume, a scarf, candy, a skirt (that I wore Christmas Day), and I think that's it... I don't think I got anything else. 

I'm also waiting for some books I ordered Christmas night and I've been waiting since Thursday. The site says they should come today but guess what; they haven't. I got about £50 worth of books so yay! Most of them have to do with mental illness... Yeah. 

So New Years is coming up. I'm usually against the whole New Years Resolutions thing because you shouldn't wait until a new year to do stuff like lose weight but this year (technically next year) I made a list of what I want to do over the year. So it's more like a 2014 bucket list. I'm still adding stuff to it but here's what I have so far:

New Years Resolutions

1) finish a book

2) start doing daily writing prompts

3) eat less

4) find out who I am

5) read more books

6) drink more tea

7) learn how to play the ukulele 

8) fully transition into the name Lynn

9) make room more Tumblr

10) complete summer bucket list

11) start working out

12) get good grades

13) listen more

14) participate in NaNoWriMo

15) give more hugs 

16) be more optimistic 

17) laugh more

So I'm feeling good about that list. 

One of the things on the list is to fully transition into the word Lynn. It may be a bit confusing but I have my explanation. A few days ago, I was going through nicknames for Madeline for some reason and I found a lot of different spellings of Maddy and then I came across Lynn. It got me in this deep thought of changing my name to Lynn because it actually fits Madeline and I don't know anyone with that name. So I've decided to change my name to Lynn. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to change it in the middle of the school year. I'm planning on changing it to Lynn when I go to high school so the new students call me Lynn, all the teachers know me as Lynn and my old school mates get that I'm changing it so they call me Lynn. I'm excited to change it so I'll start signing off with that now. 

I think that's it... I'll be writing soon! 

Love always, 

Lynn Iverson. 

Chapter 12

Okay hi! Let's just get right into then! 

The Lizzy drama has been getting worse; much worse. I haven't spoken to her since Thursday and today is Monday and nearly Tuesday. She was being a bitch and was telling me how her life was 10 times worse than mine. It just really pissed me off. She's been trying to get me to talk to her but lucky for me, it's winter break so I don't have to face her. 

Since Julia has been annoying me to give her my Tumblr, I decided to make a new one. And it's literally the best Tumblr I've ever had, it's that amazing. Rather than my old Tumblr which has a funny post every once in a while, this one is always funny. But when it's not funny it's got 5SOS, Ed Sheeran or the one and only One Direction on it. 

Remember in September when I said my laptop was broken? Well I finally got it fixed! Yay! I got all my old files of stories on there which makes me so, so, so, so happy because I thought I lost it all! I'm going to start backing it up on Google Drive now. 

So... Tomorrow is Christmas Eve which means Christmas is two days away which makes me very happy. I love Christmas and seeing my family! We have the Christmas tree up and some presents underneath. I've been wanting a piano keyboard but I'm most likely not going to get one. 

Speaking of music, I'm finally getting back into my ukulele. I can finally strum correctly and chuck. Also, I've mastered I'm Yours by Jason Mraz but then again, it's probably the easiest song to play. Either way I'm happy I can finally play a song and learn more songs. 

So I'm gonna go! I'll be telling you probably on the 26th what I got for Christmas so yeah! 

Love always, 

Maddy Iverson

Chapter 11

Secret Santa was today; that was fun! Although I didn't get to stick around because I had a book blog meeting in the library during lunch. But I finally got the present I've been wanting for weeks now! Well, ever since summer really. Ava got me and gave me a ton of stuff and I love her for it! My present to Alexis wasn't too fancy, just some sweets and a phone case. I also gave her one of my charms that I sorta collect because I was feeling nice. I hope she liked it. Here's a picture of what Ava got me:

The thing on the scarf is a bracelet. She made both the scarf and the bracelet which is super cool! She also got me tea and some British candy which is rikenrjdjekrkejehndnrjer and a phone case that says "Patty Cakes" do to a inside joke involving The Perks Of Being a Wallflower. 

But last night wasn't too good for me. I may or may not have had a mental breakdown and tried to kill myself. It was nothing major, I just tried strangling myself and I almost passed out. I don't think it's possible to even strangle yourself anyways so I guess I'll have to find another way. Pills were my first option and I didn't have any in hand at the moment, making it impossible for me to successfully do it. 

Nothing else really happened. I've been writing and reading a lot though if that counts and been doing some more crafts such as spray painting a skull that I named Ezra. 

With just an hour or so until I need to get my pictures up, I think I'm going to read more. I'm trying to finish up Eleanor & Park. It's a really good book! 

Love always, 

Maddy Iverson 

Chapter 10

A big load of shit has been happening. So let's start with the stuff that's bothering me the most. 

Lizzy's apparently cutting again and wants to kill herself. In my mind, it's selfish. Hear me out, okay? So she drops the bomb on Julia and I and expect us to like, heal her or something. We keep saying that we love her and shit but she keeps saying how "love isn't enough" and shit. It's so annoying. I do feel a little guilty though. She sent us a long paragraph explaining it and I showed it to my mom and my mom called Anne (Lizzy's mom) and I think she's thinking about sending her somewhere. I'm a bit worried but I hope she gets better if this is actually real and not a way to seek attention.  She's a very big attention seeker. 

Along with the Lizzy drama, we have the Emily and Caroline drama. So Caroline is pissed at Julia for some reason and I got dragged into it. Caroline also convinced Emily to hate her so that's happening. Julia and I have been sticking together and are in a fight with Caroline and Emily. From the outside, it looks like nothing is wrong but if you get deeper you'd see that we've been in this fight for about 2 weeks now. In short, we're all in a fight but no one has noticed because we're eating lunch together. 

It seems that David and I are drifting. I have a theory it has to do with me spending more and more time with Julia. She's great company. Although, I do miss talking to David all the time. He's very sweet and makes me feel just a little bit better about myself. 

It makes me feel just the bit better. 

Very good news; my scars on my wrist have faded! I'm now able to wear whatever I want and not have to wear a jacket so yay! 

Bad news again. Julia and I got the chance to meet Bethany Mota (MacBarbie07) at the MOA but when we got there, there was already about 600 people ahead of us so we didn't get to meet her. The thing that really makes me upset is that we actually went there thinking we were going to get to meet her opposed to when I saw One Direction there two years ago and I actually knew I wasn't going to meet them. Oh well, can't do anything about it now. 

I think I'm done ranting now, so byeeeeee! 

Love always, 

Maddy Iverson

Chapter 9

Today was quite eventful. 

To start it off, I ended up crying on the bus. I had a mental breakdown and I spent half the time on the bus trying not the cry and the other half crying. Some girl was sitting next to me (I didn't know her) and I was listening to music when I had a sudden realisation that my friends are leaving me. Before I started crying, Lizzy gave me Louis back and I pretended to be happy. But after the girl and Julia left, Lilly came and sat next to me as I wiped away remaining tears. I don't know if she knew that I was crying or not but she asked me if I was okay so I'm assuming she knew. 

Emily and Julia haven't really talked to me for weeks and Caroline soon joined them. Lizzy seems to be spending a shit more time with Julia, making me even more alone. I feel like they've all left me. And I've never felt more alone in my life. 

Even at our choir concert I felt alone. It was the first day I actually wore a short sleeved shirt because the scars in my wrist are starting to fade enough to not notice them as easily when I put concealer on them. It doesn't help that I made a complete fool out of myself. 

I don't think I want to go on with this...I'm tired and feel like writing a poem. 

Love always, 

Maddy Iverson