Basically, I'm going through a hard time. For 3 months (end of July to end of October) I dated a boy named Aaron. He was the only boy I've ever loved, which is weird because I dated Nick longer. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to date Aaron longer. A lot longer. This was the first time I could see a future with a boy and now I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
He broke up with me because I was too clingy, because I wanted a text from him every couple of hours. While he was at a convention during my birthday (the most stressful time of the year), he ignored me for 6 hours and then said he didn't even want to talk to me all weekend. We had a little fight but I thought we made up and it was good.
Fights in a relationship does not mean a relationship is toxic.
But that's what he thought. The first time I saw him after he came back, he broke up with me. He cried while he was doing it, as he did the two other times too, but that's a different story. I didn't shed a tear. I still haven't shed a tear and it's been about 3-4 days.
So my plan is to sleep with Danker. Here's why:
1) help me get over Aaron
2) help him get over Megan
3) so Aaron can find out and get super mad or upset, I'm okay with either.
This breakup really fucked me up though. Aaron was also my best friend. I smoked with him, I hung out with him all the time, I texted him all the time. I'm trying to repress that part though and just find new people to hang out with.
Recently I've been hanging around Allen and Devon more surprisingly. I never thought me and Devon would be hanging out again but we did once and we just vibed together and I enjoyed spending time with him. He wanted me to go to Lions Tap with him and his mom but I declined. I need to be skinny again.
I came back to finish this a couple of days later, and I've completed my plan with Danker. I went to his house the other night and yeah, it happened. Me, a 17 year old girl, slept with a 21 year old. Who would've thought.
It's been a week since I've lost Aaron, and I still haven't cried. I feel kinda numb, but it's not terrible. Besides, I'd rather be numb than depressed as shit. I've been hanging out with a lot more people which is really nice. I think that's the part of me that's an extrovert; I need people to keep me going. If I don't have anything to think about I'm gonna think about Aaron, and then I'll get upset.
But like I said, I haven't cried so I'm obviously doing better than I could've been. I hate that I have to deal with this.
navy blue - the story so far
Maddy
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Chapter 27
Basically I'm really bad at keeping blogs I guess. Today is May 31st and we have two days left of school after today. I'm writing this in english class while I'm supposed to be doing my work but whatever, that's okay. I need to write and I'm taking this back to New Years.
This year I decided to have a little New Years get together with Bekah, Hannah and Lizzy which was kind of a bad idea. Lizzy left in under an hour because she hates Hannah with a passion. But, Bekah had the idea to invite Nick and Dalton over, Dalton being Nick's best friend who was visiting from Eagan. My parents didn't have much of a problem with it.
As soon as Dalton walked in, I gotta admit I had a little crush on him. He was cute and funny and obviously close to Nick so he had to be important. We were kinda lowkey flirting throughout the night. We did the condom challenge and accidentally dropped a filled condom in my living room.
At midnight, I stole Dalton's first kiss. And before you think this is a love story, it's not. We haven't even talked about the kiss since. He also kissed Bekah and Hannah I think. I made out with Bekah and according to my sister, it was "hot". For some reason that I'm unaware of, me and Nick kissed. It was one step away from making out and I have to admit, I liked it. But Bekah didn't, she got incredibly jealous as she should.
In early February I met a boy named Sage, Well, I went to middle school with him but I never actually talked to him until then. We started snapchatting and flirting a shit ton. We'd hang out and just drive around until we got bored or had to go home.
Here's the thing about Sage, he's kind of a stoner. He's like the jock stoner guy that's incredibly cringe-worthy but that's what I liked at the time. Because of this, I smoked with him quite a few times. It was mostly out of an apple because he's a cheap shit but one time we smoked out a potato which was the weirdest smoking experience I've had.
I lost my virginity to Sage. Yep. I'm yelling at myself right now for it just because it was such a bad experience. I don't regret it, I'm kind of glad because it kind of eased me into my current boyfriend's size (yuck I can't believe I just typed that). We only "did it" twice and I broke up with him when I got back from Vegas.
But before that....
For a while I was extremely mad at Nick. I would try snapchatting him or texting him and he'd open and never respond. It really pissed me off. I called him out on it and he said that he'd explain it in person, but not in school. We made plans to talk about it at his house. I think it was March 22nd that this happened.
We talked about why he was ignoring me and he blamed it on his medication, and then he explained why he was unhappy with Bekah. At this point, he was considering breaking up with her. She was a handful and filled with drama; she wasn't pleasing him sexually either. As he described, she was "gross" in bed, whatever that means.
When we were done talking, we were just chilling on his couch and cuddling. It was kind of normal for us...we've cuddled before but then Nick started moving his hand along my hip. I was starting to get a vibe that he liked me and was making a move. My vibe was right and he kissed me, after asking if it was okay. One thing led to another and we made love that night. Yes, love. I always loved him. Everyone knew it but me in that moment.
Except, I was still dating Sage, and he was still dating Bekah, one of my best friends at the time. We didn't know what to do about it, but we started talking more. The day before spring break, Nick broke up with Bekah and told her the truth. I almost did the same, I broke up with Sage and told him I liked someone else. He tried to fight for me, but I knew what I wanted.
I spent most of spring break at Nick's house. A few of my friends turned on me because of what I did. Justin and Emily Schnur mostly, I don't think there was anyone else. Everyone was pretty chill about it after a week or so, it just took them time to adjust. Hell, even Bekah talked to me after this.
And now, two months later, me and Nick are together. We went to Duluth together and he met my brother which was a big deal to me. It was still pretty early in our relationship so we were still in our honeymoon phase. My mom was nice enough to let us sleep in the same bed. It was an amazing trip.
I'm gonna fast forward to today. There's two more days of school and finals have already corrupted us. Tonight, me and Nick are going to the Pvris concert which is a big thing. I've never gone to a concert alone and this is the first one we'll do so. I'm hella excited for it.
I've been completely sober for the past three days; I'm going through withdrawal symptoms.
Today is Thursday, it's the last day of school. Literally as soon as I got home I took a three hour nap which was much needed. I've still been sober, and it feels like shit. Mentally I'm not in the best place, not even close.
Last night I had a complete mental breakdown and I couldn't get ahold of Nick. I talked to Dalton for a bit but then hung up quickly once my brother came out to the car. I relapsed and smoked a few cigarettes, which is how I've been compensating for the lack of weed in my system. It's really no better but I need something.
Anyways, I think I'm just gonna leave this here. I'm gonna try to write more over the summer but no promises.
Love always,
Maddy
This year I decided to have a little New Years get together with Bekah, Hannah and Lizzy which was kind of a bad idea. Lizzy left in under an hour because she hates Hannah with a passion. But, Bekah had the idea to invite Nick and Dalton over, Dalton being Nick's best friend who was visiting from Eagan. My parents didn't have much of a problem with it.
As soon as Dalton walked in, I gotta admit I had a little crush on him. He was cute and funny and obviously close to Nick so he had to be important. We were kinda lowkey flirting throughout the night. We did the condom challenge and accidentally dropped a filled condom in my living room.
At midnight, I stole Dalton's first kiss. And before you think this is a love story, it's not. We haven't even talked about the kiss since. He also kissed Bekah and Hannah I think. I made out with Bekah and according to my sister, it was "hot". For some reason that I'm unaware of, me and Nick kissed. It was one step away from making out and I have to admit, I liked it. But Bekah didn't, she got incredibly jealous as she should.
In early February I met a boy named Sage, Well, I went to middle school with him but I never actually talked to him until then. We started snapchatting and flirting a shit ton. We'd hang out and just drive around until we got bored or had to go home.
Here's the thing about Sage, he's kind of a stoner. He's like the jock stoner guy that's incredibly cringe-worthy but that's what I liked at the time. Because of this, I smoked with him quite a few times. It was mostly out of an apple because he's a cheap shit but one time we smoked out a potato which was the weirdest smoking experience I've had.
I lost my virginity to Sage. Yep. I'm yelling at myself right now for it just because it was such a bad experience. I don't regret it, I'm kind of glad because it kind of eased me into my current boyfriend's size (yuck I can't believe I just typed that). We only "did it" twice and I broke up with him when I got back from Vegas.
But before that....
For a while I was extremely mad at Nick. I would try snapchatting him or texting him and he'd open and never respond. It really pissed me off. I called him out on it and he said that he'd explain it in person, but not in school. We made plans to talk about it at his house. I think it was March 22nd that this happened.
We talked about why he was ignoring me and he blamed it on his medication, and then he explained why he was unhappy with Bekah. At this point, he was considering breaking up with her. She was a handful and filled with drama; she wasn't pleasing him sexually either. As he described, she was "gross" in bed, whatever that means.
When we were done talking, we were just chilling on his couch and cuddling. It was kind of normal for us...we've cuddled before but then Nick started moving his hand along my hip. I was starting to get a vibe that he liked me and was making a move. My vibe was right and he kissed me, after asking if it was okay. One thing led to another and we made love that night. Yes, love. I always loved him. Everyone knew it but me in that moment.
Except, I was still dating Sage, and he was still dating Bekah, one of my best friends at the time. We didn't know what to do about it, but we started talking more. The day before spring break, Nick broke up with Bekah and told her the truth. I almost did the same, I broke up with Sage and told him I liked someone else. He tried to fight for me, but I knew what I wanted.
I spent most of spring break at Nick's house. A few of my friends turned on me because of what I did. Justin and Emily Schnur mostly, I don't think there was anyone else. Everyone was pretty chill about it after a week or so, it just took them time to adjust. Hell, even Bekah talked to me after this.
And now, two months later, me and Nick are together. We went to Duluth together and he met my brother which was a big deal to me. It was still pretty early in our relationship so we were still in our honeymoon phase. My mom was nice enough to let us sleep in the same bed. It was an amazing trip.
I'm gonna fast forward to today. There's two more days of school and finals have already corrupted us. Tonight, me and Nick are going to the Pvris concert which is a big thing. I've never gone to a concert alone and this is the first one we'll do so. I'm hella excited for it.
I've been completely sober for the past three days; I'm going through withdrawal symptoms.
Today is Thursday, it's the last day of school. Literally as soon as I got home I took a three hour nap which was much needed. I've still been sober, and it feels like shit. Mentally I'm not in the best place, not even close.
Last night I had a complete mental breakdown and I couldn't get ahold of Nick. I talked to Dalton for a bit but then hung up quickly once my brother came out to the car. I relapsed and smoked a few cigarettes, which is how I've been compensating for the lack of weed in my system. It's really no better but I need something.
Anyways, I think I'm just gonna leave this here. I'm gonna try to write more over the summer but no promises.
Love always,
Maddy
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Chapter 26
It's December.
My mother is looking at apartments, mostly three bedrooms but also two bedrooms, if she's desperate enough. She really wants to divorce my dad and I'm not sure if I'm happy about it or not. Like I want her to be happy, but we'd literally have no money left. Dad would have to buy everything for us and I would actually have to use my work money to buy myself clothes and such.
The apartment she found has two bedroom, two bathrooms, and allows two animals. We would bring Lucy and Mila. Maxx would stay with Dad wherever he would end up. It's also walking distance to all of my friend's houses basically, which is always nice. That would make it a lot easier to actually see my friends.
Last night, I talked about the apartment and the divorce in support group at Treehouse. It's kind of a big thing for me because I've only talked at Treehouse once, and the last time I did, it was over something completely stupid. Okay, not completely, but it wasn't important enough.
This however, was important. Everyone there could relate to either the divorce or Diane's death, which is what I talked about. I took up the whole time, sparing a few minutes for Garrett. But I think everyone knew that when I open up about things, it's usually serious. As I was getting support, I felt myself growing closer to everyone in that room. Including Taylor, Garrett, David, Nick, Maria, and Leticia. I haven't really talked to any of them except for Garrett and Nick. Like I've talked to David but not a lot, and I haven't gotten real with him.
The support I got helped me I think, I'm not sure. I just know I feel better having talked about it to anyone besides my mother. Lizzy doesn't even know.
Me and James are over, we're barely friends and I'm alright with it I guess. It's been about a week since it's all happened so I'm basically over it. As long as he's happy. And I can always find someone else, I think I'm somewhat attractive, but I'm not sure anymore.
I know that Tyler likes me, and that I'm kind of taking advantage of him. At the Halloween party, I was lonely and basically I was cuddling with him. When he asked me out on a date, I said yes, because I didn't know what else to say. He gave me his sweatshirt, because I was cold, and wrapped his arms around me. It really felt nice, I think.
Last Tuesday (Nov. 24) he went to Treehouse and for a while he was holding my hand then rubbing my back when we hugged and shit and I don't know if I like him or the attention he was giving me. It's been a little while since I've felt that kind of warmth from another person.
Right now, I don't even know if I want a relationship. I want what Bekah and Nick have. Oh by the way, they've had sex like four times now. Yep, my two best friends are having sex with each other and here I am all by myself, unfortunately. I want someone to love me the way Nick loves Bekah. I want the long hugs and spontaneous kisses. I want the trust you have to have to lose your virginity to them. They have that and I don't and it really sucks.
Anyways, I hung out with Hannah on Monday after my dentist appointment. We walked to Coopers and got Oreos, Peace Tea, and whipped cream. When we got back we watched Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List which was surprisingly a good movie, despite the fact it's totally stereotypical.
I can't believe I'm going back to this again but my life is starting to feel like The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I think it's because I actually have friends this year and there's actually drama and things happening and I'm actually getting close to people again. It feels really nice. I've missed having more than one friend to text and talk to on a daily basis.
The similarities of my life with Perks is making me want to watch the movie, really badly. I need to watch it soon, like maybe this weekend. I was supposed to watch it on Saturday with Tyler but something happened.
Friday night, I got really upset with my sister and I ended up running away basically. All I took was my phone, headphones, and my pennyboard. I left at 12:30 AM and only Matthew came to look for me, until I made him go back inside. With nowhere else to go, I went to Lizzy's house because I definitely didn't want to go home.
When I got back the next morning I got grounded and never ended up going to Tyler's, which he understood but I'm kind of disappointed. Hopefully we can do it this weekend but both of our schedules don't overlap very well and it takes effort from both sides.
This post is long enough, I'll end it here.
Love always,
Maddy
My mother is looking at apartments, mostly three bedrooms but also two bedrooms, if she's desperate enough. She really wants to divorce my dad and I'm not sure if I'm happy about it or not. Like I want her to be happy, but we'd literally have no money left. Dad would have to buy everything for us and I would actually have to use my work money to buy myself clothes and such.
The apartment she found has two bedroom, two bathrooms, and allows two animals. We would bring Lucy and Mila. Maxx would stay with Dad wherever he would end up. It's also walking distance to all of my friend's houses basically, which is always nice. That would make it a lot easier to actually see my friends.
Last night, I talked about the apartment and the divorce in support group at Treehouse. It's kind of a big thing for me because I've only talked at Treehouse once, and the last time I did, it was over something completely stupid. Okay, not completely, but it wasn't important enough.
This however, was important. Everyone there could relate to either the divorce or Diane's death, which is what I talked about. I took up the whole time, sparing a few minutes for Garrett. But I think everyone knew that when I open up about things, it's usually serious. As I was getting support, I felt myself growing closer to everyone in that room. Including Taylor, Garrett, David, Nick, Maria, and Leticia. I haven't really talked to any of them except for Garrett and Nick. Like I've talked to David but not a lot, and I haven't gotten real with him.
The support I got helped me I think, I'm not sure. I just know I feel better having talked about it to anyone besides my mother. Lizzy doesn't even know.
Me and James are over, we're barely friends and I'm alright with it I guess. It's been about a week since it's all happened so I'm basically over it. As long as he's happy. And I can always find someone else, I think I'm somewhat attractive, but I'm not sure anymore.
I know that Tyler likes me, and that I'm kind of taking advantage of him. At the Halloween party, I was lonely and basically I was cuddling with him. When he asked me out on a date, I said yes, because I didn't know what else to say. He gave me his sweatshirt, because I was cold, and wrapped his arms around me. It really felt nice, I think.
Last Tuesday (Nov. 24) he went to Treehouse and for a while he was holding my hand then rubbing my back when we hugged and shit and I don't know if I like him or the attention he was giving me. It's been a little while since I've felt that kind of warmth from another person.
Right now, I don't even know if I want a relationship. I want what Bekah and Nick have. Oh by the way, they've had sex like four times now. Yep, my two best friends are having sex with each other and here I am all by myself, unfortunately. I want someone to love me the way Nick loves Bekah. I want the long hugs and spontaneous kisses. I want the trust you have to have to lose your virginity to them. They have that and I don't and it really sucks.
Anyways, I hung out with Hannah on Monday after my dentist appointment. We walked to Coopers and got Oreos, Peace Tea, and whipped cream. When we got back we watched Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List which was surprisingly a good movie, despite the fact it's totally stereotypical.
I can't believe I'm going back to this again but my life is starting to feel like The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I think it's because I actually have friends this year and there's actually drama and things happening and I'm actually getting close to people again. It feels really nice. I've missed having more than one friend to text and talk to on a daily basis.
The similarities of my life with Perks is making me want to watch the movie, really badly. I need to watch it soon, like maybe this weekend. I was supposed to watch it on Saturday with Tyler but something happened.
Friday night, I got really upset with my sister and I ended up running away basically. All I took was my phone, headphones, and my pennyboard. I left at 12:30 AM and only Matthew came to look for me, until I made him go back inside. With nowhere else to go, I went to Lizzy's house because I definitely didn't want to go home.
When I got back the next morning I got grounded and never ended up going to Tyler's, which he understood but I'm kind of disappointed. Hopefully we can do it this weekend but both of our schedules don't overlap very well and it takes effort from both sides.
This post is long enough, I'll end it here.
Love always,
Maddy
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Chapter 25
Diane died. October 10, 2015 at 2:50 pm her heart stopped beating. I was told before I had gone to work that Saturday and throughout the rest of the day, I just felt numb. It still doesn't feel like she's gone. I was going to see how much and how well I slept that night but I didn't find any data so I think I slept in my moms bed.
The funeral was Oct. 15th. I had a behind the wheel right before that so I was rushing to the funeral. There was so many fucking people which was another reminder that she was too young. Of course, I was introduced to so many people and all of them felt bad for me and tried to make up for it by calling me pretty.
I had to sneak off to calm myself down about 20 times but I only cried half the time. The speeches were the worst because it made you remember Diane; I couldn't push it away anymore.
After the funeral, we went out for dinner since we were all hungry and we needed some time to cool down. I got hot chocolate and a caesar salad. Weird mixture but both were great.
The funeral was Oct. 15th. I had a behind the wheel right before that so I was rushing to the funeral. There was so many fucking people which was another reminder that she was too young. Of course, I was introduced to so many people and all of them felt bad for me and tried to make up for it by calling me pretty.
I had to sneak off to calm myself down about 20 times but I only cried half the time. The speeches were the worst because it made you remember Diane; I couldn't push it away anymore.
After the funeral, we went out for dinner since we were all hungry and we needed some time to cool down. I got hot chocolate and a caesar salad. Weird mixture but both were great.
Anyways, it's been a really hard time for me and the rest of my family. Losing someone close to you is possibly the hardest thing anyone will have to go through. I don't wish this feeling upon anyone. We got to say goodbye but not to her conscious self. We said goodbye to the body in the hospital bed, connected to a million tubes and wires all at once.
It's been so hard to keep up with homework when filled with feelings of despair. I don't want to end up in the same place I was last year, but it's been so hard. I keep David's words in my head to keep trying and what I think is trying isn't all that I'm capable of. If I miss one assignment, I just keep missing more and more.
Tomorrow is my 16th birthday. Because of my childhood dreams, I feel like it's a bit of a disappointment. I've always dreamed of this huge party with a DJ and at a sick club with a thousand people. I have way more friends than I used to but I don't think a lot of them would go to a party, and I don't think I want them to go anyways.
Love always,
Maddy Iverson
Monday, October 5, 2015
Chapter 24
Last week on Wednesday, my aunt went into cardiac arrest. This was a shock because a) she had doctors checking up on her a lot more and b) no one was expecting it, she's healthy. Luckily, she was already at the hospital because of her chemo and an ER doctor was passing by. My cousin says he was a guardian angel.
Two doctors were performing CPR on her for 45 minutes, which I later found out was a long time. Doctors usually stopped around 20 minutes. But for some reason, they kept going. It was for the best. They got her alive and to the ER, hooked up to a million machines and put her into a coma to keep her alive and stable.
There was so much hope for her because she was doing so well. They found some blood clots in her lungs, so they gave her some kind of medicine to break it down and make the blood run thinner. It did that to an extent. The medicine made about three blood clots go to her brain. Now there's a huge one in her frontal lobe and about half of her frontal lobe is liquid.
Even if she did wake up, she wouldn't be able to eat or do other simple tasks. She wouldn't be happy. So they took her off the medicine that's keeping her in the coma and everyone's waiting to see if she wakes up or if she dies.
We're already talking about her in past tense, as if she was dead. But she basically is. My mom went to her house looking for her will, which she didn't find, and anything else that would have been useful for the doctors and figuring out who gets what. Mom also found her diary, which held one entry. It was the day that we shaved her head, and it was a tragic day. She was a beautiful writer, though. The type of writer I hope that I turn out like.
Diane is basically dead. When we went to the hospital on Thursday, she had so many machines hooked up to her and she was only 33 degrees Celsius. I held her hand and tried not to cry while everyone else was talking about where she was at heath wise. It was just so hard to have to witness something like that. Death. It's everywhere. You can't hide from it. Nobody should have to go through it and I wish I could hide it from my kids, but I couldn't do it.
Anyways, I think that's it. I'm way too sad to talk about anything else and I just want to escape reality by playing Sims.
Love always,
Maddy
Two doctors were performing CPR on her for 45 minutes, which I later found out was a long time. Doctors usually stopped around 20 minutes. But for some reason, they kept going. It was for the best. They got her alive and to the ER, hooked up to a million machines and put her into a coma to keep her alive and stable.
There was so much hope for her because she was doing so well. They found some blood clots in her lungs, so they gave her some kind of medicine to break it down and make the blood run thinner. It did that to an extent. The medicine made about three blood clots go to her brain. Now there's a huge one in her frontal lobe and about half of her frontal lobe is liquid.
Even if she did wake up, she wouldn't be able to eat or do other simple tasks. She wouldn't be happy. So they took her off the medicine that's keeping her in the coma and everyone's waiting to see if she wakes up or if she dies.
We're already talking about her in past tense, as if she was dead. But she basically is. My mom went to her house looking for her will, which she didn't find, and anything else that would have been useful for the doctors and figuring out who gets what. Mom also found her diary, which held one entry. It was the day that we shaved her head, and it was a tragic day. She was a beautiful writer, though. The type of writer I hope that I turn out like.
Diane is basically dead. When we went to the hospital on Thursday, she had so many machines hooked up to her and she was only 33 degrees Celsius. I held her hand and tried not to cry while everyone else was talking about where she was at heath wise. It was just so hard to have to witness something like that. Death. It's everywhere. You can't hide from it. Nobody should have to go through it and I wish I could hide it from my kids, but I couldn't do it.
Anyways, I think that's it. I'm way too sad to talk about anything else and I just want to escape reality by playing Sims.
Love always,
Maddy
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Chapter 23
Words cannot describe how stressed I am. School has been so much homework. I'm trying my best with it, I really am, but it's so hard when all I'm used to is giving up. My grades are good though, I have two A's and a B but that's because there's barely any assignments in and teachers haven't done anything with the grade book.
I'm going to the doctor pretty soon here because I have to get my prescription dosage higher because it's not working as well as I want it to. I would give anything to not have depression and anxiety but that's not exactly something you can change. So, I'm taking pills for it in hope that they work.
Today is Tuesday, and my parents are leaving on Friday morning for Hawaii.
I left this post all week because I was crazy busy. It was a mix of work and preparing for them to leave. My dad made a mistake and left most of the shopping to Thursday night, making it even more stressful.
On Friday, James asked me to homecoming. The whole thing is still confusing to me, because of the way he did it. We were in Chemistry and I was talking to Lilly about the test we just took, no big deal. He was whisper-shouting at me from across the room and I ignored it but then I looked over and he was holding up a stuffed duck and a piece of paper. I couldn't read it because it was written in pencil so I just gave him a thumbs up since I thought it was about the duck.
James and his football friends starting cheering and whatnot and I get slightly confused. He comes up and asks me if I read the paper and whatever, I still can't remember what we said. But the paper said "HC?" on it. Yup. I said I was busy and stuff and then he somehow convinces me to say yes as we walk out of the classroom. THEN he like holds my hand and half hugs me (confusing, I know) and then walks away.
Later, Abbey asked him if he was taking his girlfriend to homecoming/if he was being serious earlier, he said no to the latter. He was being so serious earlier, and then he says that it was a joke. Maybe he said that because he didn't want Abbey to know, or he thought I didn't want Abbey to know. But part of me was disappointed he said no.
On Friday, I also mentioned where I worked, because Miller was sitting next to me. James said he was going to go in and say hi. Mostly, when people say that then they never do. But yesterday as I was working on drive, he came in. He said nothing about the homecoming thing but he was giving me a look.
Even if I wanted to go with him, I couldn't. Lizzy likes him and it's totally breaking the girl code. When I told her about it then she was totally jealous. I really want to say yes though. James is so cute and he's a football player and he's so nice and my heart is exploding. Most guys don't like me for who I actually am but he does.
Anyways, away from James... I went to an all night blitz with Treehouse on Friday night. It was fun, to say the least. I had a really good talk with Garret, hung out with Emily and Bekah for a long time. Actually talked to Gunnar in person for once, that was great. He remembered me from Facebook. This brought out two more guys that liked me for who I actually am. So far the list goes James, Garrett, Tyler, and Gunnar. Way more than it used to be.
Me and Bekah fell asleep while watching some movie and almost missed the bus home. That trip brought everyone closer and I'm so thankful for it. I can't wait for the one next year!
Me and Bekah snuck into the toddlers area at Grand Slam which was gated off, and it was the most fun I had in a long time. I felt like I belong with them, and that they were the friends I've wanted for so long.
I think that's it for now, so I'll continue watching How To Get Away With Murder while drinking pumpkin spice hot chocolate.
Love always,
Maddy
I'm going to the doctor pretty soon here because I have to get my prescription dosage higher because it's not working as well as I want it to. I would give anything to not have depression and anxiety but that's not exactly something you can change. So, I'm taking pills for it in hope that they work.
Today is Tuesday, and my parents are leaving on Friday morning for Hawaii.
I left this post all week because I was crazy busy. It was a mix of work and preparing for them to leave. My dad made a mistake and left most of the shopping to Thursday night, making it even more stressful.
On Friday, James asked me to homecoming. The whole thing is still confusing to me, because of the way he did it. We were in Chemistry and I was talking to Lilly about the test we just took, no big deal. He was whisper-shouting at me from across the room and I ignored it but then I looked over and he was holding up a stuffed duck and a piece of paper. I couldn't read it because it was written in pencil so I just gave him a thumbs up since I thought it was about the duck.
James and his football friends starting cheering and whatnot and I get slightly confused. He comes up and asks me if I read the paper and whatever, I still can't remember what we said. But the paper said "HC?" on it. Yup. I said I was busy and stuff and then he somehow convinces me to say yes as we walk out of the classroom. THEN he like holds my hand and half hugs me (confusing, I know) and then walks away.
Later, Abbey asked him if he was taking his girlfriend to homecoming/if he was being serious earlier, he said no to the latter. He was being so serious earlier, and then he says that it was a joke. Maybe he said that because he didn't want Abbey to know, or he thought I didn't want Abbey to know. But part of me was disappointed he said no.
On Friday, I also mentioned where I worked, because Miller was sitting next to me. James said he was going to go in and say hi. Mostly, when people say that then they never do. But yesterday as I was working on drive, he came in. He said nothing about the homecoming thing but he was giving me a look.
Even if I wanted to go with him, I couldn't. Lizzy likes him and it's totally breaking the girl code. When I told her about it then she was totally jealous. I really want to say yes though. James is so cute and he's a football player and he's so nice and my heart is exploding. Most guys don't like me for who I actually am but he does.
Anyways, away from James... I went to an all night blitz with Treehouse on Friday night. It was fun, to say the least. I had a really good talk with Garret, hung out with Emily and Bekah for a long time. Actually talked to Gunnar in person for once, that was great. He remembered me from Facebook. This brought out two more guys that liked me for who I actually am. So far the list goes James, Garrett, Tyler, and Gunnar. Way more than it used to be.
Me and Bekah fell asleep while watching some movie and almost missed the bus home. That trip brought everyone closer and I'm so thankful for it. I can't wait for the one next year!
Me and Bekah snuck into the toddlers area at Grand Slam which was gated off, and it was the most fun I had in a long time. I felt like I belong with them, and that they were the friends I've wanted for so long.
I think that's it for now, so I'll continue watching How To Get Away With Murder while drinking pumpkin spice hot chocolate.
Love always,
Maddy
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Chapter 22
I'm finally back onto my old writing schedule! Anyways, lets get right in because I still have psych homework to do and to take a shower and it's nearing 10 PM.
Needless to say, I am incredibly stressed out. Yesterday I was out and running around all day, going to target and Makenna's therapy appointment. We even stopped at Potbelly where I had the best sandwich I've ever had in my entire life. I'm going to list the order so I can remember it for future Potbelly visits.
Multigrain bread, turkey, swiss, mayo, lettuce, avocado.
So simple, but so beautiful.
Also, I'm going to admit something that happened the other night. I relapsed back into cutting and now my wrist is covered in scars, but I can (hopefully) cover it up with bracelets for work tomorrow. It's also on my thigh but no one can see those anyways. I was just feeling so terrible and stressed and depressed and it's been quite a while since I've felt that bad. Usually it just comes and goes and I'm fine but now I'm really craving a cigarette.
While I was on the bus a few days ago, I noticed David. Like sure, I've noticed him before but I've never really noticed him. Despite that fact that I know it will never happen, I've developed a teeny tiny crush on him. Even if he did like me, I would never date him. He deserves so much better.
Today I went to Treehouse, where Tyler hugged me 50 million times and basically acted like we were dating. To be honest, I kind of wish that we were but I want to lose weight before then so I can actually feel comfortable around him.
I hate my body. I'm way too big and my stomach and legs are hideous. I've never liked them, but that doesn't make a difference. I want to like them. I want my stomach to be somewhat flat, so that I don't have to hide it in large t-shirts and I can walk around in only a tank top. Or for my legs to be smaller so I can wear shorts and thigh-high socks without them looking terribly weird.
I would give anything to feel comfortable in my own skin.
Love always,
Maddy
Needless to say, I am incredibly stressed out. Yesterday I was out and running around all day, going to target and Makenna's therapy appointment. We even stopped at Potbelly where I had the best sandwich I've ever had in my entire life. I'm going to list the order so I can remember it for future Potbelly visits.
Multigrain bread, turkey, swiss, mayo, lettuce, avocado.
So simple, but so beautiful.
Also, I'm going to admit something that happened the other night. I relapsed back into cutting and now my wrist is covered in scars, but I can (hopefully) cover it up with bracelets for work tomorrow. It's also on my thigh but no one can see those anyways. I was just feeling so terrible and stressed and depressed and it's been quite a while since I've felt that bad. Usually it just comes and goes and I'm fine but now I'm really craving a cigarette.
While I was on the bus a few days ago, I noticed David. Like sure, I've noticed him before but I've never really noticed him. Despite that fact that I know it will never happen, I've developed a teeny tiny crush on him. Even if he did like me, I would never date him. He deserves so much better.
Today I went to Treehouse, where Tyler hugged me 50 million times and basically acted like we were dating. To be honest, I kind of wish that we were but I want to lose weight before then so I can actually feel comfortable around him.
I hate my body. I'm way too big and my stomach and legs are hideous. I've never liked them, but that doesn't make a difference. I want to like them. I want my stomach to be somewhat flat, so that I don't have to hide it in large t-shirts and I can walk around in only a tank top. Or for my legs to be smaller so I can wear shorts and thigh-high socks without them looking terribly weird.
I would give anything to feel comfortable in my own skin.
Love always,
Maddy
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